Page 123 of Everdoll

One evening, after a tense argument at work, I lay on my back staring at the ceiling, my eyes dazed. A coworker had tried to comfort me, saying, “It wasn’t your fault, Mina. You can’t please everyone.” She was someone I didn’t talk too much, but at that moment, I wanted to hug her. My eyes filled with tears, and I was enveloped in a pleasant warmth.

I can’t please everyone.

Why did I want to please everyone so much? Why did I blame myself when I couldn’t control any situation?

Why did I want everyone to love me?

That night, my dream was like a blank page. I saw myself, wearing the pink shirt I had bought with Raymond. As a few daffodils began to bloom on the white page, I wandered aimlessly. After a while, a large golden butterfly came before me. As its wings fluttered peacefully, even though it was a dream, I smiled. I opened my arms and hugged the butterfly’s head, and when I climbed onto it, the butterfly took flight. We flew together in the whiteness for a while. When I looked down, I saw a little girl.

Little Mina was trying to build a sandcastle, but it wasn’t sand. She was trying to gather the charred cables together. Her lips were pursed, her brows furrowed. She was very focused.

Why are you exhausting yourself so much over such a small thing?

The butterfly landed in front of her, and I jumped over it and lunged toward Little Mina. Her hair was a lighter color, flowing down past her waist. She was tired from gathering the ashes, but she was still smiling. Her cheeks were plump, her eyes sparkling.

When did you lose that sparkle in your eyes?

Little Mina lifted her head when she saw someone approaching. Catching the sight of me, her eyes widened, and she smiled wide.

“Hello, ma’am, why are you here?”

I smiled back at her. The fact that she didn’t ask who she was somehow made me happy; yes, that’s the kind of person I was. I didn’t care who the person in front of me was. Even though he was a robot, I had loved Remi. While everyone else was afraid of her, I had become friends with Angelica.

Why did you have to be destroyed when you were so full of love?

I forced myself to smile and replied, “I came to see you.”

Little Mina’s mouth opened in surprise. “Really? Then… want to play with me?”

“Of course. What shall we play?”

“We can play whatever you want, ma’am! It doesn’t matter to me.” Little Mina dropped the ashes and smiled, then jumped in joy. “You can be any character you want. You can be the beautiful princess, and I’ll be the evil queen. Just don’t…” she stopped jumping, her face fell. “Just don’t leave me. I can take on any role, I promise. I won’t embarrass you. I won’t scream too much. I won’t laugh too much. Just don’t get tired of me. Okay, ma’am?”

When she asked hopefully, my face winced. Before tears could fall from my face, I rushed forward, pulled Little Mina close, and hugged her tightly.

I’ll hold you until you no longer feel alone, I’ll keep you safe in my arms until you no longer see my warmth as trivial. I’ll never leave you, you’ve been mine since the moment you were born, and I’ll live inside you until you die. The person who will never abandon me and protect me from this cruel world is myself.

“Ma’am, why are you crying?”

I stroked her hair. “I love you so much. I love your games. I love how you see beauty in everything, how you are enchanted by everything. You won’t stay this way forever, you will stop believing in fairy tales, your smiles will fade, and you will think you are hypocrite, but I’ll protect you. I’ll make you see beauty again. I promise, I’ll do it.”

“Really?” Little Mina’s shoulders widened slightly, her hair grew shorter and lost its luster. The Mina I was hugging had grown a little taller. Dark circles had appeared under her eyes, and a blue liquid was flowing from her cut wrists.

“I’m drowning in the swamp I created.” Teen Mina whispered, and I regarded her fondly. Her eyes were distant, exhausted, defeated. But she continued in the same helpless voice. Despite everything, she wanted to be heard.

“Dirty mud has gotten into my vocal cords, and no matter how much I shout, my voice doesn’t reach anyone. I try so hard with my masks, but no one praises them. No one sees how hard I try. It makes me feel hypocritical. It feels like no one in this world will ever understand me. I’m all alone, and no matter how much I try to explain myself, no one feels the pain in my soul. There’s no war going on, but it feels like I’ve been in a battle since the moment I was born. And that battle won’t end until my emotions are understood and accepted by someone. I’m too weak to fight this world; the only path I have is to bring destruction upon myself and others.”

“No.” I stroked her cheeks. “As you said, only you can feel the pain in your soul. No one will know how different you are from yesterday. They won’t see how each wound you’ve received. They don’t have to. No one will care about your pain as much as you do. The shape of your pain is unique to you; it’s yours alone. You are the only one who can see and heal it. You don’t need to seek anyone else. Not others, first you. Screw others.” I reached out and caressed her bleeding wrists, kissed her palm. “Don’t lose yourself trying to be seen by them. Those who wish to see you will see you anyway. Don’t run away, don’t drown in your pain. This world will hurt you again, but there are trustworthy hands that will never let go of you. My hands, your hands. Now, please rest. Stop tormenting yourself over things you cannot control. It was not your fault. Angelica simply cared about you so much. Stop suffering from this; see it as proof of love and cherish it. Stop being afraid of her ghost. Stop imagining her in cruel scenes. Remember her smiles, the sweet memories and the love you shared.”

I embraced her, the golden butterfly came to our side. Teen Mina had now fallen asleep. As I placed her on the butterfly’s body, its color turned silver, sending its warmth to young Mina, and they took flight.

You are not hypocrite. True hypocrites don’t worry about whether they are hypocrite or not. Stop blaming yourself; you didn’t deceive anyone. Don’t be afraid of tomorrow anymore. The future you lost has now begun again; hold on to it tightly.

Now a black lace mask was floating in the air. I touched it, made it tremble slightly and grew larger. Suddenly another mask appeared inside it. As I walked forward, the shapes of the masks changed and multiplied. I silently followed them as they slowly rose upward. When they began to line up like a staircase, I looked up and saw the end of them.

A person was sitting on a throne, wearing a pointed black witch hat, her curly hair brushing the edges of the hat. Birds were flying on either side of her. One had golden feathers and eyes, the other had black feathers and blue eyes. The witch on the throne waved her long wooden wand, casting spells at the birds, and grinned widely at me. Seeing this, I smiled back.

Right, I was a greedy witch who could never get enough love. But now I realized another fact: There was nothing wrong about creating masks. Each one was a symbol of the pain I had endured, my efforts to find love, and every battle I had fought. I couldn’t move forward without my masks, they were a product of my will to survive. They had helped me until now. Thanks to them, I had at least formed a self, even it was false or fake, it was mine. They had supported me without giving up until this day.