Page 110 of Everdoll

I wished to be as indifferent as him; be shallow and not take things so seriously. I wanted to relax, to remain the girl in Raymond’s eyes. Maybe everything would be better if I returned to that ‘Mina concept’. The girl he loved enough to stay by her side for years…

It’s so painful to feel inferior to the persona you created.

“Alright, I’ll be back tomorrow.” When Raymond stepped into the room, he was in a conference with someone. I was staring at the bookshelf for hours. Preparing myself was too difficult. I was so scared that I thought I would die from fear.

Or that Raymond would kill me.

“My love, you look miles away. Everything’s okay?”

As he smiled and hugged me, my throat tightened. Since we began dating, Raymond had been the happiest person in the world. I never saw him this joyful in the past six years.

This made me feel even more guilty.

I’m the only problem here. I’m the one who ruin everything. I wish I were healthier, I wish I deserved him.

“Hmm, nothing. I was just thinking…”

“What was it?”

“Maybe… I should go home. I’ve stayed here too long.” I murmured. I always hesitated to talk to him about such things. I couldn’t predict his reaction.

His smile faded, but his features remained calm. “You can stay here as long as you want, you know that, right?”

“I know! But… I don’t know anyone here except you. After all… I’m a stranger here.”

His brows furrowed. “Did someone—”

“No.” I cut in. “I just… don’t feel like I belong here.”

“What?”

I couldn’t tell from his voice. Was he angry? Surprised? I looked at him expectantly, my fingers tracing his sharp cheekbones. He just shaved his beard, his smooth skin felt so peaceful. Even as I ran away from him, I found comfort in him.

“Why?” he asked in a broken voice. Hearing this, I was ready to give up. I could sleep in this dream until I died; it didn’t matter to me. But I shouldn’t do this to myself. I shouldn’t do this to Remi.

“I’m suffocating.” I finally managed to say it aloud. “Everything is too much. This place is suffocating.”

“Suffocating? How? Tell me, Mina, what’s bothering you? Don’t you like its position? Would you rather be in the capital?”

I opened my mouth but couldn’t respond. With Raymond’s mesmerizing eyes fixed on me in curiosity, I couldn’t let the storm inside me wash over me. I didn’t want to infect my beautiful Remi with my own ugly pain. I no longer felt close enough to him to reveal my ugliness. I no longer chose to be vulnerable in his presence. For the last month, I hadn’t even allowed him to go down on me. No matter how much he insisted, I couldn’t bear the thought of being that exposed.

I’m so useless.

“I just miss my room.”

I finally muttered. Nothing had changed. I was a coward. I didn’t want to be the one to bring about the destruction. Sometimes I wished Raymond would make a mistake. A big mistake, so I could blame him for everything with a clear conscience. But no, my Remi was always so perfect.

So perfect, so far away. So perfect, so far away.

So perfect, so far away. So perfect, so far away.

“I miss there too. But it’s too late now; we must endure this stupid place a little longer. We’ll go home tomorrow.”

I nodded slowly. I failed again. I couldn’t prepare myself for the moment I’d leave him, but couldn’t silence the voices in my head either. I had been thrown into an endless labyrinth, unable to find my way out.

As Raymond picked me up and carried me to the bed, I leaned against him.

“How’s my father?”