Page 109 of Everdoll

I longed to face reality; even if it brought terrible consequences, I could no longer bear living in this fictional utopia.

We’re so out of place.

I wouldn’t give the keys to my tower to anyone. Not even to Remi.

There was nowhere left where I couldn’t wear my masks.

STAGE FOUR: Doll

Mina

We had only been lovers for eight months.

The last night I slept with him was vividly alive. We were in Lesse, at the Loxton estate. He wanted to introduce me to his siblings. One of them, named Penelope, seemed to like me very much. Her cheeks were constantly flushed.

“She’s really cute, brother. She looks like a red strawberry.”

Even though I found her adorable, the alarm bells in my head were ringing louder than ever.

There were so many people I might disappoint. A huge battlefield. Even though my armor was stronger now, people were still unpredictable. It was very difficult to please everyone, and not being able to do so stressed me out.

I could break at any moment. I was so on edge that during dinner, even Raymond stroked my thigh and asked what was wrong.

I smiled and brushed him off. I started doing this a lot lately. Though my body was still by his side, my mind and heart were drifting further and further away from him.

And he wasn’t aware of it. He no longer recognized my masks. He had achieved me, and now all the magic had disappeared.

I was not mistaken; nothing was guaranteed. Raymond could grow tired of me at any moment. And perhaps I should’ve been glad of that. He was freed from my spell. I was able to protect Remi from my own destruction… right?

They why did it still hurt?

I loved him. In the same way I had loved Angelica before, I wasn’t sure my feelings for him were romantic, but I loved him. More than anything. Remi was the first person I had ever whispered ‘I love you’ to. The first person I had let inside the locked rooms of my soul.

But Remi must have seen me only as a duty.

As my servant.

A master he would serve until there was nothing left of himself.

I thought was what I wanted for years, but no… If Remi was a human instead of a robot, it would make everything wrong. I didn’t want to be the perfect master he imagined me to be. Masters were saviors, absolute power. I was afraid of being one. I wished my vulnerable side to be seen. I wasn’t perfect, I wanted to scream. Like every human being, I had multiple layers in me.

But Raymond no longer saw this. No longer saw my humanity.

Perhaps he never had. And I understood once again: A servant’s blind devotion could be a master’s cage.

For years, he silently accepted my cruel behavior, made no effort to point my selfish and malicious attitude. Only smiled at my anger, welcoming my violence with pleasure.

I didn’t matter. My emotions, my conflicts… He refused to take them serious.

For someone to love me for my flaws, those flaws had to be acknowledged first, right?

Maybe wanting that was irrational and impossible from the start; I didn’t know anymore.

My wish faded over time, turned into fragments. I suppressed it. Neither of us stood by our words; we didn’t tell each other what was on our minds. I sometimes wanted to tell him how being with him made me feel suffocated. But Raymond never attempted to speak with me. If he acted like everything was fine, I couldn’t take a step.

I was tired of being the one who disrupted everything and ruined all the beautiful things.

This will be the last time, and everything will end.