Page 78 of Searching for Beautiful
Ellie adds, “You always used to talk to us. We told each other everything. ”
My eyes begin to pool with tears. “I just missed her so much. She was incredible and she made me special by choosing me, and I felt so much guilt for not saving her. Or being there for her the way she was always there for me. ”
The words are freeing somehow. I thought they all broke free with Dad, but there were more, locked in a cage inside me, begging to escape. Pleading with me to open up because there’s no way to be free from inside that cage.
Ellie looks at me, her blue eyes watery. “She was amazing. We all loved her. You know…I wanted her to be my mom, too. I almost felt like she was. She was always there for all of us and she made everything so much fun. I know it’s not the same, but I felt like I lost her too… And then we lost you as well. ”
I shake my head. “I was only lost for a little while, but I found my way back. ”
Diana speaks next. “Your mom was incredible, but she didn’t make you special, Brynn. You did that yourself. We’re your best friends. We love you. ”
At that the tears start to leak from my eyes. “I love you guys, too. ”
“It hurt to have you push us away,” Diana whispers. “We’d always been a team and though we understood, it sucked. And then when you started talking about this new boyfriend you didn’t want us to meet, it was like you didn’t care. You’d moved on and forgotten about us. We weren’t good enough to be there for you, when we loved her right along with you. ”
When Ellie’s parents fought, she talked to Mom. When we needed a ride somewhere, we asked her. Diana started her period for the first time at our house and my mom was there. I should have realized it hurt them, too. That they felt like I left them, as well.
“And even after everything happened…” Ellie shifts. “You didn’t want to see anyone after the baby, which again, we get. But then all these rumors started to go around and you didn’t answer our calls again. We came to your house that day and I know we were angry but you didn’t even try then. It was like you didn’t care anymore. ”
“No. ” I shake my head. “Never. I could never forget about you guys. I didn’t know how to deal with it. I know that’s not an excuse, but it’s the truth. I was lost without Mom and then Jason…I thought he loved me. He told me he did. It was all a lie. ”
“It was like we didn’t know you anymore. We tried so hard to reach out to you after your mom that it was hard to keep trying after Jason. You could have tried, too. ”
And I know they’re right about that. It was another way I didn’t fight. Another way I just folded in and accepted everything. I didn’t make sure the world knew what Jason did or make sure people knew I didn’t lie. I became a bystander in my own life and let everyone else take the blame for not coming to me. “You’re right. I know you’re right and I don’t have an excuse. I wish I did. The only thing I know to do is try to move forward. To fight for our friendship now because I love you guys. You’ve always been my best friends. ”
Their breaths hitch at that…and then they part, putting space between them on the couch, and I know what they’re saying. After all these years, I can read them like that.
My legs shake as I walk over and sit between them. We hold hands and I continue to talk.
I tell them everything about Jason. His lies. My feelings. And I even admit to being embarrassed by him not wanting to meet my friends and lying about it. No, I never should have told them it was me who didn’t want Jason to meet anyone. But I was lost and finally felt I had something that was mine.
“I wish things could have been different,” Diana says. “We missed you, Brynn. ”
“I missed you guys, too. So much. ”
We’re silent for a minute, and then I add, “I know I pulled away first…but you guys aren’t innocent either. The way you treated me. I don’t think I deserved that. ”
“You’re right,” Ellie says.
“I’m so sorry,” Diana adds. “Maybe we can try to start over… Go slowly. ”
My heart bounces. “I would love that. ”
“All of us made mistakes. I’d like to try to get our friendship back, too. ” Ellie looks down.
It’s not perfect, but it’s a start. I need to prove things to them, and them to me. The fact that we’re all willing gives me hope.
I listen as they talk about some of the things they’ve been doing the past months. Then I talk to them about Christian and tell them I have a new friend named Emery I hope they can meet one day.
Each word is a cleansing breath. A compression on my chest bringing me back to life again.
And I can’t wait to live.
When I finally get up to leave, both girls stand, too. Diana holds out her pinkie first, then Ellie, and finally me. We link them all together. “Always,” I say.
“Always,” my friends whisper right beside me.
Chapter Forty
