Page 79 of Searching for Beautiful
Now
The day after I visit Ellie and Diana, Dad’s at work. I slip on my bunny slippers, grab the
picture of Mom and me, and head straight to my pottery room.
My hands shake a little, but I ignore it. I fight through it as I set the picture down so it’s facing my wheel. “I’m getting this back for me, Mom. I’m doing it for you. ”
I’m on autopilot as I get everything together. It’s as though I blink and then I’m sitting in front of my potter wheel. Wetting my hands in a bowl, I touch the clay as it spins round and rough. I savor the feel of it on my fingers and let my mind free the way I always do when I create.
My movements are natural. A part of me that will always be there because Mom helped me find it. I mold and sculpt. Each movement of my hand and easy spin of the wheel is my fight. My way to get my life back. My way to create my own piece of beautiful.
…
Christian comes home on New Years Day. Stalker-ish, I know, but I’ve been watching for their car. I should probably give him some time to rest or unpack, but I can’t stop myself from going straight over. He cocks his head at me when he sees me coming and leans in the doorway.
“Are you here for my mom?” There’s no real anger in his voice, but I can tell he’s upset. I respect that he’s not the type of person who is going to continue to chase someone when they’ve cut him off at every corner, like I did.
“No,” I tell him. “I’m here for you. Can you come with me somewhere?”
“Brynn—”
“Please. It’s important. ”
He nods and turns to tell Brenda he’ll be right back.
“Is that Brynn?” she asks, and I smile at the sound of her accent. I missed her.
“Yeah,” Christian says. When his mom comes out, Christian heads to my car as though he’s giving us time.
“I heard that you spoke to Valerie about Emery, mija. I’m very proud of you. ”
Stepping forward, I wrap my arms around her and give her a hug. Brenda squeezes back. I know that if I ever need to talk, she’ll be there.
“It took a lot of bravery for you to come forward like you did. The right thing. It’s not always the easy thing to do, but you did it. I hope you’re giving yourself credit for that,” she tells me.
After I pull away, I nod. “I am…and I have more to tell you. About Jason and everything else. Maybe we can talk soon?”
She puts a hand on my shoulder and grins. “I would be honored. Any time, okay? I’ll make you breakfast again and I’ll try not to burn your mouth this time. ” Brenda winks.
“I’d love that. ”
She nods toward Christian. “He’s waiting for you. ”
Without another word, I climb into my car and Christian does the same. We drive to the park with the gazebo where he took me on our one and only date. And it was a date. I’ll admit that now. I hope someday, we can go on another one.
Christian sits on the table in the middle and puts his feet on the seat as I stand in front of him. No preparation. No warning. The words just come out of my mouth. “Jason is dead. ”
His eyes widen, the shock evident on his face. “Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. Are you okay?”
I think there are people in this world who are just good people, not perfect but good—and Christian is one of them.
“I’m trying to be. I will be. He had a girl with him. She was a minor. She’s gone, too. ” I will always wonder about that girl. I don’t know her, but even though we’ve never met, she’ll own a piece of my heart. “Who knows if he was using her the way he used me. I think so, but we’ll never know. I can’t stop myself from wondering if I could have stopped it. If I could have been stronger, if I would have fought, if things could have ended differently for her. Even if I didn’t have a good case, more people would have known about it. It might have made that girl think twice. ”
Author: Nyrae Dawn
Christian shrugs. “Maybe, but maybe not. Like you said, we might never know. Regardless, it’s not your fault. ”
“Who knows if it is. All I do know is I don’t want to question it anymore. I don’t want there to be a possibility. ”
