Page 116 of Untying the Knot
“This was not a good idea,”I say to Nichole as I crouch in the corner of the room while Ryot takes a shower.
“Yes, it was. You need this time with him. You need this closure, or else you’ll never move on, and you know that.”
“I know, but . . . being here with him, acting like everything is okay, it’s . . . it’s making me feel weird. Like maybe I’m making a mistake.”
“Maybe you are,” Nichole says. “But you’ll never know until you try to find closure.”
“But what about you? I should be in Chicago with you. That’s where he told me to be.”
“And that’s great and all, but I don’t need you here. I need you to be okay with your decision. Mentally. I know what he said to you before he signed the papers rocked you. I know that letter cut you to shreds. You cried for such a long time that night. This is your chance to close that chapter, so to speak, and I won’t allow you to skip that.”
Nichole is right. What he said that night hit me harder than I expected.
I want you to be happy. I just hope that one day, when you’ve created the life you deserve, and that beautiful smile has returned to your face, you can forgive me.
Forgive him. That’s what’s been sticking in my mind ever since he said it.
How can I forgive him? That’s what I kept asking Nichole over and over again.
How can I move on from this purgatory I’ve been living in?
How can I say goodbye to the one man in my life who has been patient, who has cared for me, and who has made me feel like I matter?Until six months ago.
And that’s when she told me I had to attend the wedding, that I would never be able to move on if I didn’t give myself a chance to forgive him.
She’s right.
It doesn’t mean it isn’t hard as I sit here, in the corner, staring at the king-sized bed we’ll have to share tonight.
“I’m scared, Nichole.”
“I know. Facing adversity is never easy, but trust me when I say, living your life to the fullest, knowing you’ve done everything not to hold back feelings, not to trap toxic thoughts inside you, it’s the only way to live. And you know this because you’ve done so much work over the years to recover from your mom’s malicious actions. Take these days to forgive his mistreatment of you and how that made you feel. To remember him as the man who you once fell in love with, and when the moment is right, release the anger, the tension, the hate that you’ve carried for the past few months so when it is time to leave, you can do it with a clear head and clear heart.”
I let out a deep breath. “You’re right.”
“I know I am. Now, stop calling me and let me go so I can get some sleep.”
“Okay. Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
I hang up just as the bathroom door opens. I quickly stand from the corner, adjust my nighttime shorts and tank top, and catch Ryot walking into the bedroom wearing only a pair of boxer briefs.
“I, uh, I didn’t bring anything decent for nighttime because I thought I was going to be alone.”
I smile softly. “Ryot, I don’t think a pair of boxer briefs will make me clutch my pearls.”
“Guess not.” He scratches his bare chest, the way I love—like he isn’t sure what to do other than scratch an itch that isn’t there. It’s adorable. “Can I ask you a question without you getting mad at me?” he asks.
“That’s one way to put someone on alert.”
“I know, I’m sorry,” he says. “I just want to be honest, and my question might upset you, and I don’t want it to come off that way.”
“Well, thanks for the precursor. What’s your question?”
He takes a seat on the edge of the bed and clasps his hands in front of him. “Why are you really here, Myla? I know you said it was because a deal was a deal, but I told you, you didn’t need to come. So there must be some other reason.”
It would be easy to lie at this moment. To tell him that what I said was the truth, but that would only cause problems with what I’m trying to accomplish while I’m here. So I go with the truth instead.
