Page 5 of Cupid Calamity

Laurie eyeballed Shelley and held back a sigh. ‘Okay then, where are we going?’

Shelley’s eyes lit up and she bounced up and down so vigorously her breasts nearly escaped from her dress. ‘You’re going to love me forever and ever and ever, darl.’

Laurie waited patiently for Shelley’s excitement to come to the boil.

‘Ohmygod I’ve got us a table at Buttley Manor!’

Huh? ‘The safari park?’

‘Yesssssss! Come on, Laurie, you must have heard about their new restaurant, Out of Africa?’

Laurie racked her brains. She’d never visited and always tuned out gossip at work. ‘Um. I’m not sure.’

‘You need to pay attention to the important stuff, Laur. It’s super bloody exclusive. Waiting list longer than your dry spell.’

Denise cackled at Shelley’s joke, then they both started singing along to the radio with the vocal ability of football supporters:

‘Eeny-weeny, teeny-weeny, shrivelled little short dick man. Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t—’

‘So, how did you get a table?’ shouted Laurie.

‘I know the owner. Met in the sauna at the golf club,’ said Shelley.

‘Golf clubs have saunas?’

‘This one does. It’s got a spa for the bored wives and for the men when they’ve spent too much time riding about on golf buggies.’

Laurie grinned. ‘And where do you fit into that picture?’

‘That’s what all the wives are asking,’ said Denise, and the two women clunked their cans together and laughed.

The Mendips had been designated, many years ago, as an AONB, an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty. It was a series of limestone hills with lakes, natural springs, dramatic gorges and rocky outcrops. It was sparsely inhabited, but had hundreds of ancient burial mounds dotted around the fields. It was a place of myth and legend, and at night, the darkness could feel overwhelming. As Laurie turned off the main road into the grounds of Buttley Manor, she shrank inwards. Heavily fortified fences were just visible on either side of the endless drive, but she couldn’t decide if the dark shapes on the other side were animal, vegetable or mineral. Should she slow down to avoid crashing into a wayward zebra, or speed up in case a hungry lion was on the loose?

Shelley finished her gin and leaned forward between the seats. ‘It’s owned by Sebastian Ottily-Davenport. He got the place two years ago after his dad was on an illegal hunt and got trampled by elephants.’

‘Oh no, that’s awful!’ Laurie gasped.

‘Not really, the elephants were fine, and Seb hated his dad. He got the estate and could do what he liked with it.’ Shelley’s voice dropped. ‘You know, he told me he did it.’

‘He did what?’

‘He killed his dad!’

‘What? How?’

‘He told the elephants to do it.’

‘Er… How?’

‘He can talk to animals. He’s a real-life Dr Dolittle. He told me his abilities came after he got lost in the bush as a child and was adopted by a family of monkeys.’

‘Adopted? For how long?’

‘Only a night. He was retrieved in the morning when his dad and his team rescued him and shot all the monkeys.’

‘Holy shit!’

‘Yeah, it was the most important moment of his life. Seb told me that day he vowed to avenge his monkey family and create a safari park at Buttley to bring the wonders of Africa to Somerset.’