Page 6 of Cupid Calamity

Laurie didn’t know what to say, so kept quiet as they continued down the long drive. In the distance was a stately home, illuminated by colourful floodlights.

‘But it’s not any old park. Seb encourages visitors to interact with the animals, and he teaches courses on interspecies communication.’

Laurie gripped the steering wheel tighter. She wasn’t a fan of animals since being mauled by a Siamese cat as a child. She still had faint scars on her hands and arms, and they prickled if any animal got too close. Even hamsters.

‘Interaction?’ She could hear how high her voice had become.

‘Oh, it’s perfectly safe. Seb knows what he’s doing. He’s even taken me to pet Ryan.’

‘Ryan?’

‘The lion. Well, one of them anyway. I nearly shat myself.’

Laurie slammed her foot on the brake and Shelley flew forward, getting wedged between the front seats. The car came to a shuddering stop.

‘Shelley! This is dangerous! I thought we were going for a meal, not to be a meal! And I told you to put your seatbelt on!’

Denise was laughing so hard every inhale was a snort.

‘Fuck’s sake, Laur, it’s fine! You’re so bloody boring sometimes,’ Shelley grumbled as she extricated herself. ‘The only dangerous animals are the hippos, and they’re never let loose. Me and Den’ll look after you. Promise.’

Laurie parked at the side of the stately home, alongside a fleet of other cars. Their feet crunched down a gravel walkway towards the old coach house. It was an impressive, two-storey building on one side of a large courtyard, looking down on the stable blocks that flanked the other sides. The enormous old wooden doors were open. Light and chatter spilled out over the small queue of hand-holding couples. Laurie stiffened with the sense of not fitting in. Her height always made her stand out, and tonight it highlighted the fact she was out on Valentine’s Day partnerless. Shelley grabbed her arm.

‘Let’s pretend we’re a throuple,’ she hissed.

‘Yes!’ agreed Denise. ‘Shell and I have been together for years, and you’re our unicorn.’

‘A what?’

‘A unicorn. An unthreatening add-on. You’re a sexy third wheel.’

Laurie sensed a yawning chasm in her chest, an empty hole where her heart should be. Was this how everyone saw her? Unthreatening? A third wheel? She couldn’t even formulate a response because they’d reached the front of the queue. Shelley was talking to a woman with a clipboard in one hand, a walkie-talkie in the other, and an enormous snake wrapped around her neck. Laurie tried to step back, but Denise gripped her arm.

‘Party of three. Booked under the name Lawler.’

‘Yes, I have you. Clarence will show you to your table.’

A man stepped forward, holding the hand of a chimpanzee, who leered at the three of them, then walked into the main room, beckoning them to follow.

‘Ohmygod this is so coooool!’ squealed Shelley, as she pulled Laurie forward.

The former coach house was a large, rectangular building. A bar had been built along most of the right-hand side, and the far end was dedicated to an open-plan kitchen area. Two doors on the left were marked as toilets and another, beside the bar, had ‘staff’ painted on it. Laurie’s eyes darted around, her unconscious and conscious minds joining forces to survey the scene for danger (everywhere) and escape routes (not enough). Tables for two filled the space, all populated by couples gazing into each other’s eyes and admiring the animals around them. Birds and butterflies flew across the room, monkeys helped serve food, and everything from porcupines to piglets bustled about searching for scraps. It was a Disney cartoon come to life – with more noise and excrement.

They were led to a larger table off to the side near the bar, and Laurie positioned herself with her back to the wall. This definitely didn’t feel safe. She fixed her smile on the waiter as he handed them their menus, but couldn’t fully concentrate on his description of the specials, as something pink was waving about in her peripheral vision. Denise started honking with laughter, then Shelley joined in.

‘I think we’ve pulled!’ screeched Shelley as the waiter dragged the aroused chimp away.

‘Oh my lord, I haven’t seen anything that funny in years,’ said Denise, wiping tears from the corners of her eyes.

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3

By the time their waiter and a less amorous monkey had delivered their drinks and taken their order, Laurie was in full fight or flight mode. She felt unsafe around elderly lap dogs, so being in a room with the cast of The Jungle Book was like entering a Darwinian Hunger Games armed with only a breadstick. Denise and Shelley had ordered a bottle of Cava to celebrate her birthday. After calculating the alcohol content, her weight, height, the amount of wheat-based products currently lining her stomach, and the most conservative estimation of when she could get the hell out of there, Laurie poured herself a glass.

‘Oooh! You go, girl! Finally letting your hair down,’ crowed Shelley.

‘About time too. You need to live a little,’ added Denise. ‘Get laid. Our waiter is fit, you should ask him out.’