Page 61 of Solivagant

I felt his eyes on me as I walked away, though I didn’t hear him follow.

I didn’t dare to look back until I made it all the way to the creek. I turned, expecting him to be playing his game where he’d quickly and terribly hide behind something. He wasn’t there.

Disappointing.

No. That’s good. That’s what I want.

No it isn’t.

I groaned in frustration, then pulled at my laces as I took off my boots, then my jeans.

For fuck’s sake. Was I really hard right now? From what? Some unintentional sleep cuddling? With him?

I groaned louder. Then I was wading into the frigid water of the creek.

The cold helped, at least with one of my problems.

It did little to clear my mind.

What was that dream I’d had last night? It had been far more vivid than the usual ones. That… being… injured in the woods. He felt so familiar. Trying to recall it all made my head and chest ache.

“My Jem,” he’d said.

My eyes burned. What did that mean? Why did it hurt? Why did my whole body ache with the need to hear it again?

The void inside me was growing, threatening to consume me. Those eyes, gold lights of hope in deep red. They looked at me so gently. With love. With hope. Who was he? Who was I?

I let my body drop beneath the surface. Let the running water drown out the sound of the forest so similar to the one from my dreams. But I couldn’t silence my mind.

So much had happened in such a short period of time, but I still didn’t understand it all. Couldn’t. It was all too much. And I might have been a grown man, a large one at that, but I felt so small. Helpless. Vulnerable.

I was on the edge of a cliff. A thick fog concealed whatever lay at the bottom, and as much as I willed it to part and reveal whatever was ahead of me, it wouldn’t listen. Because it was greater than me. Yet I wanted to jump. I wanted to free fall into fate and trust destiny to catch me.

What should I do?

Jump. He will catch you.

I don’t even know who he is.

Yes you do.

I broke the surface of the water, sucking in much-needed air as I smoothed my hair out of my face.

The weight of his gaze was felt before I could see him, and it felt like warmth. Comfort. Protection.

“I know you’re there,” I informed him.

He still didn’t show himself.

Who was he really? And what was his connection to this place, and to me?

I thought again about the figure in my dreams. They were different, but similar. Not so much in appearance, but there was something.

The pain in my head grew.

Remember.

I’m trying.