Page 42 of Solivagant

20

JOSIAH

My whole life I’d felt like I was missing something, maybe someone, that I couldn’t quite remember. There was a piece of me that longed for them, grieved for them, in a way I’d never been able to put into words. There was a place in my heart that no one could ever fill. I felt it so strongly that I’d never even tried.

I was thirty-four years old and I’d never had anything close to a relationship. I’d never seen the same guy for more than a night. I had no desire for it. Because I knew, without even trying, that no one ever would be able to fit in that place inside me.

I figured I was just aromantic or something. At least that was the easy label I’d assigned myself. A nice box I could sit in so I didn’t have to think about it too deeply.

It was a lie.

I knew that. I knew that if I actually dug deep and forced myself to look at the damaged core of me, what I’d find wouldn’t actually be a lack of interest in love, but rather a deep desire for a love more intense than anything I’d ever experienced, and I wouldn’t accept anything less.

I wanted so desperately to be consumed by love. To be healed by it. Nothing would ever satisfy me except for that. But I couldn’t let myself search for it either. I was stuck in place, filled with so much longing yet determined to wait. As if whoever it were that was missing from my soul would turn up on their own, and I’d be ready. I had to wait.

I will always be waiting.

My soul was restless, the beast within me agitated.

The lack of sleep probably wasn’t helping.

I never thought I’d miss the sleep paralysis, but it was far easier to deal with than waking up in the middle of the woods.

I’d installed more locks on the door. I still managed to get out.

Every time I woke up, I’d be further from home. I’d be closer to the howling.

I’d started sleeping with my boots on, fully clothed, with a knife in its sheath strapped to my leg.

Tash had noticed something was wrong, and she’d finally pestered me into telling her about it. I didn’t tell her everything. I didn’t tell her about the wall, or about the howling. Those oddly felt like too big a secret. The beast inside me thrashed at merely the thought of anyone knowing about them. So I’d only told her that I’d end up in the forest with no idea how I got there and I’d have to find my way back home.

Stress, she figured. And she was probably right. I had killed a man after all, and there was another one still missing. No progress had been made on the discovery of either.

She’d also suggested that I stay with her for a couple of days. Maybe if my environment were unfamiliar, it might throw my brain off track and cause me to wake up before I got very far.

It worked once.

I’d been trying to get out the front door, but she’d placed a door jammer in front of it. Just a simple metal bar, but unfamiliar enough that she’d woken up to the sound of me tugging on the handle and shaking the wood against the bar. Then she’d so kindly slapped me in the face to get me to wake up.

It didn’t stop me the second time.

I adapted quickly, learning every obstacle and waking up over and over again in the woods.

Tash had made me go to sleep with an AirTag in my pocket, but just like figuring out the door, I’d somehow also make sure to leave that behind before heading out, following the distant howling like it were some kind of siren call.

The dreams didn’t stop either, and unlike the paralysis, every night I’d remember more of them after waking up. The same field. The scent of chamomile and mint. A night sky far brighter than I’d ever seen. A stone wall, similar to the one I’d found deep in the woods, only not as tall. An altar. A blood tribute and the ache in my arm. Then anticipation. I was waiting for someone in the dreams. Summoning them. But I always woke up before I saw them.

They felt like memories, though I knew I’d never been there.

By now I had a pretty good idea of where I was trying to go. I’d assumed the sound of those mournful howls matched the beast I’d heard growling at me on the other side of that wall. I was proven right when I woke up yet again in the woods, further than I’d ever gotten before. Right in front of the wall.

21

JOSIAH

Sunlight streamed through the partially open window, golden rays illuminating motes of dust. The air was scented with warm stew and mint and freshly baked bread.

“Bout time you came in,” said a masculine voice. A broad back with shaggy blond hair moved around in the small well-used kitchen.