Page 117 of Under Water

He stiffens, and I realize I’m getting it all wrong. Exactly the way I knew I would.

Fuck it. I’m just going to go for it because I know how I feel, and I’m sick of making a big deal out of three little words. Even if they are the biggest goddamn deal.

“I’m in love with you.”

He’s very, very quiet. Too quiet. Then he swallows and drops his hands to my hips like he’s not sure if he wants to push me off or pull me closer. Shit, was that the wrong thing to say? Did he not want to hear it yet?

“I don’t want you to say it because you think I need to hear it,” he answers back.

I laugh. I can’t help it. Then I kiss him again. “Yeah, that’s not what’s happening. I’m not exactly the most introspective man, and I didn’t grow up with a good representation of how couples are supposed to love each other. I never talked to my parents about it, but I know they’re together because they made sense on paper, and it was easier not to get divorced.”

“That sounds awful,” he murmurs.

I nod. “Yeah. And I kind of internalized that in past relationships—not that I had a ton of them. But I think one of the ways I disappointed my exes was by not letting myself be emotionally available because I didn’t think it was necessary. But also, I think, because I never loved them.”

“How can you be sure?” he asks in a quiet whisper.

I tilt his face up so he’s looking at me. “Because none of them ever made me feel like this. None of them ever made me want to give up everything important to me if it could make you happy. None of them ever made me close my eyes and picture what life will be like with you and the kid and some little home to call ours.”

He swallows heavily. “You mean that, don’t you?”

I nod, and his eyes go a little red and watery. Turning his head, he blinks rapidly, but a few tears escape. “Am I doing this wrong?”

“No. It’s right. It’s…” He lets out a slow, shaking puff of air. “I didn’t ever think I’d get this. And I feel ridiculous for crying right now.”

My eyes widen. “It’s ridiculous to me you haven’t had a full fucking breakdown after everything you’ve been through.”

He sniffs, wipes his nose, and laughs. “Yeah. That’s probably coming.” He takes another breath.

“I love you,” I tell him again. Now that I can say it, the words come so easily.

He smiles. “Thank you.”

And oh. It actually doesn’t suck at all to hear that response. I grin and kiss him again, deeper and longer until his stomach gives a giant rumble.

He pulls back with an embarrassed laugh. “I think I was more hungry than I thought.”

“Good thing I got you a sandwich too,” I tell him, reaching for the bag.

He doesn’t let me get it. Instead, he pins me to the floor and kisses me until my toes curl.

TWENTY-FOUR

RUNE

I’m in love. We’re in love.

This thing between me and Easton is real, and it’s probably one of the only reasons I’m not shaking apart as I step out of the shower and dry off. I don’t know why I’m nervous about today. It’s Neal’s arraignment, and we’ll hear what his bond is set at and if the judge has decided he’s a flight risk.

Maybe I’m feeling like this because it’s the first time I’m going to see Neal since before the hotel. Maybe it’s because he’s tried to call me several times from jail, and I only picked up once before realizing the call was coming from him.

Maybe it’s because I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop myself from lunging over the seats and strangling him to death the second he’s within reach.

I remind myself that Elio is okay, and whatever trauma Neal left behind will be handled by his therapist and the love of his family. And there are way too many people on high alert for Neal to get close to us now, even if he is released.

“Knock, knock.”

I sling my towel around my waist and open the door to find Daphne smiling at me.