Page 92 of Seven Days

‘Really? I thought you guys had been together for ages?’

She nodded. ‘We have. That’s part of the problem. Bryn’s a lovely guy, but he’s – he’s a bit clingy. He wants to settle down. Have kids. His parents were married at nineteen so twenty-three for him is high time to tie the knot, but I’m not ready. Not even close.’

‘You don’t have to split up. You could agree to wait.’

‘That’s the problem. The more we talked about marriage and kids, the more I realized I couldn’t picture it. I couldn’t see us as parents together. When I tried, it felt wrong. I’ve been thinking of breaking up with him for the last six months. Last night he brought it up again and I kind of came out with it.’

‘What did you say?’

‘I said I didn’t want to marry him anytime soon. He said, well then, when? and I said I don’t think ever. He said in that case let’s break up for good. I think he was calling my bluff, but I agreed. And that was that. It was a rough night.’

‘I’ll bet.’

‘He slept on the couch, but our flat is tiny and you can hear everything. I was up all night listening to him crying. I was glad when he left for work. He went early, at like five a.m. I felt awful.’

‘Sorry to hear it.’

‘Don’t be. It’s for the best.’

They reached the burrito van. James looked at the menu; Penny didn’t bother.

‘Could I have a beef burrito?’ she said. ‘Extra chilli.’

‘You got it, love,’ the man said. ‘And you, mate?’

‘I’ll have the same,’ James said. They waited for their food and walked to a bench.

‘Where are you going to live?’ he said. ‘Will you move out?’

‘No. He will. At first I thought he was being a gentleman, but now I think he just wants to know where I’m going to be. He’s called eight times today. And sent four texts asking if I’ll be home tonight and if he can come to talk. I will be home, but I feel like going out so he can’t find me.’

‘Not taking it well, then?’

‘You could say that.’

‘Well,’ James said. ‘At least you did it.’

‘Yeah. It feels good. I feel good. I’m sorry for him, but better now than later.’

‘For you. He’d probably have preferred to postpone the inevitable.’

She lifted the burrito and took a bite. It left a smear of chilli sauce on her bottom lip. James brushed his own lip with his forefinger to indicate where.

‘You’ve got some chilli on your mouth.’

She dabbed it with a tissue. ‘Thanks. Bryn would have wiped it away for me. You know, I feel really good about breaking up with him. Guilty and weird, but good. I’m so glad it’s done. It’s strange – I thought about breaking up with him for ages, but I kept coming up with reasons why not. He wasn’t that bad, we had a lot of history that it was a shame to throw away, but now – now I can’t believe I waited this long. I have no regrets at all. It’s like I came out of a long, dark tunnel and I have no intention of going back. You know what I mean?’

He knew the feeling of being in a long, dark tunnel. It had been like that since Maggie disappeared. He didn’t think he would ever come out.

‘I’ve never been in that situation. Not with a relationship.’

‘I hope you never are,’ Penny said. ‘Anyway, I learned my lesson. I’m not going to waste my time any more. If I want to do something, I’m going to do it.’ She caught his eye and looked at him. ‘So, how about a date this weekend? Saturday? Or tonight? Give me somewhere to be?’

He looked away. He felt a mounting panic. He liked Penny; more than liked, he was very attracted to her, but that was the problem. He’d get attached, and then lose her in some way. She’d dump him or fall for someone else. It didn’t matter how it happened, only that it would. Or might. Even the risk was too much. He couldn’t risk losing someone else he cared about.

And what about when he told her about Maggie? That would make it almost certain she would leave him. He never told people. He didn’t want their sympathy. But he would have to tell Penny, and then she would look at him differently. At first she might pretend it didn’t matter, but over time she would see him as damaged goods. She might not think that, she might just think she was growing apart from him, but it would be because of what had happened. Who wanted to be with someone with that kind of baggage?

‘No,’ he said. ‘No. I don’t think so.’