Page 41 of Love Hate

“No, I think you were just about to get to your real issue,” I told her. “And I don’t want to fucking hear it from you. You…you were the only one who was on my side. The only one who ever gave a shit about me. About what I wanted. Don’t fucking disappear on me now.”

I felt tears stinging at my eyes but blinked them back as I scrubbed a hand over my face.

“I’m not going anywhere,” she whispered. “But Andy…come on. How can you wake up next to him then go to Jesus school like you’re living two completely different lives? You’ve never wanted to accept the other side of yourself.”

“Which side is that?” I narrowed my gaze at her, almost daring her to actually answer.

“The side that wants to be fucked by guys, Andy!” she shouted, jumping to her feet, her hands clasped into fists at her side. “You spent last year on your little journey of self-discovery and still ended up here? I know we’ve always talked in code or whatever, but I know.” A tear slid down her cheek as she stared at me. “I know. People love to talk and I know what you did. What you…what you let guys do to you.”

Oh my God.

My stomach flipped and I sank down to the floor, cradling my head in my hands as I slowly rocked back and forth, trying to regulate the disgust and anger and fear that were all warring inside me.

I never wanted her to know about any of that. She was my sister. She shouldn’t have to know about the sick, depraved shit her brother was doing.

“I’d never judge you,” she said softly, her hand resting on my shoulder. “People like what they like and I don’t care about that. But if you’re becoming a priest because you’re scared of who you really are, then that’s a terrible fucking place to hide.”

“That’s not it,” I insisted, looking up at her with tears rolling down my face now, too. “This is all I’ve ever wanted. You were there, too. You know this is the calling that’s been on my heart since I was a kid. I’m not hiding.”

“Things change,” she said. “People change. You’re the only one who can decide what your future looks like.”

“Who told you?” I asked her, sniffing softly as I finally started to collect myself.

“It doesn’t matter who told me,” she answered stiffly. “Honestly, I try not to even think about it. And not because of…what it was. I don’t want to think about you having any kind of sex. As close as we’ve always been, I appreciate that we aren’t that close.”

So was I. Unfortunately, she’d still found out and now had to live with that knowledge for the rest of her life.

“Is that why you’re so worried about Trevor?” I asked her. “Caitlyn, when did you find out?”

The way she was acting was beyond weird. If someone back home had told her, then she’d had to have known for a while, but up until a couple weeks ago, she was still messing with me about getting with Trevor. And now, suddenly, when I was actually kind of with him, she was freaking out about it.

“It doesn’t matter,” she said.

“Yeah, I think it does,” I snapped. “Because this is all coming out of nowhere. You brought me here, knowing I’d run into Trevor. Still fucking teasing me. Which means you had to have found out recently. Who the fuck told you?”

“Andy, I’m not going to answer that,” she said firmly. “And we’ll drop it. I’ll trust you to know what you’re doing. Just promise me you’ll be careful. Or, I guess, as careful as you want to be.”

Jesus fuck.

Sorry.

“For what it’s worth,” I told her. “I never wanted you to find out.”

“I know.” She placed a soft kiss on the top of my head before pushing herself to her feet. “And let’s just pretend I never did. Please.”

Yeah, that was going to be easier said than done.

What the fuck was happening with my life? If this was a test from God, I seriously didn’t know what he wanted me to do.

Was I supposed to dodge these bullets and continue on my path? Or was he sending me warnings trying to push me off of it?

Or was this all just part of the cosmic sense of humor that mortals weren’t designed to understand?

Whatever it was…it fucking sucked and I hated it.

Chapter Twenty-One

~Trevor~