Page 292 of Ashen Torment

“Because my father died fourteen years ago.”

His hand tightens over mine, warm and strong.

“That night...” I begin to say, “I had gone out for a walk. I wanted to be alone, in the woods near the estate.”

My throat tightens and I have to swallow with difficulty.

“I got lost among the trees. The rain came down hard, as if it wanted to swallow me whole.”

I feel Dorian’s gaze on me, heavy, searching.

“He searched for me along with the servants for hours, even in that storm. By the time he found me and we returned home, he had contracted severe pneumonia. He didn’t want to say anything, he didn’t want to worry me, but...” my voice breaks, a knot tightening in my stomach. “After a few days, he was dead.”

I slip my hand from his.

“I was the one who got lost. I was the one who left him out there searching for me.”

The words I have never managed to say aloud now slip from my lips as though they possess a will of their own.

I reach my other hand toward the candle, my fingertips near the flame, the heat caresses my skin.

“I remember the rain,” I whisper. “The sound of the storm, the cold seeping into my bones. I just wanted to find the way home, but the woods seemed never-ending.”

He gently moves the candle away from my fingers.

“It was not your fault.”

“It was.”

“No—”

“He had found me.”

“What?” He pulls his chair closer.

“He had found me much earlier... I had heard his voice, but I didn’t answer.”

The rain of the memory still presses down on me. The black branches hindering my steps, the mud holding me back. And my father’s voice calling me from somewhere among the trees.

A tired voice.

Never angry.

Never.

“I didn’t answer. I let them wander.”

“Why?”

“Because...” my voice breaks, I feel a lump in my throat and my tongue struggles to move.

He brushes a lock of hair from my face.

“Because I didn’t want him to find me like that. Lost.”

“You were embarrassed because you had lost your way in the woods of your own estate?”

I nod. My chest aches, my left hand tingles.