Page 54 of Secondhand Soul

“Well, one person has made it very clear that he doesn’t want to protect me, or want me near his family, and I... I don’t want him to feel that way. I want to prove to him that I can change, that I’m not,” I take a breath to collect my thoughts, then push ahead, “I’m not the person he’s seen. He’s seen the worst side of me, and I wish I could stay around to show him the best.” My voice fades, and I clutch my coffee mug, the heat healing my cold, aching hands.

“You feel very strongly about my son.” Rhea’s voice is soft, but as one dangerous woman to another, I know that softness isn’t an indication of weakness. “I don’t have any good reason to trust you if he doesn’t.”

“Completely understandable.” I push my chair back and start to rise.

“Sit.” One word, still soft, but an unmistakable command. “My husband and I can be ruthless if called upon. Our survival once depended on brutal actions. No one could say that my husband isn’t a hero to this town, a huge, gentle helper to anyone he meets. People in Pine Ridge are usually swift to give second chances. If you ruin such a chance, and you hurt an innocent person, your removal from this town by any means necessary is guaranteed. That’s the benefit of having protective, benevolent monsters in our midst.”

“Yes, ma’am,” I whisper, not sure where this is going, but I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck standing up at the mention of “your removal” and “any means necessary.”

“And I think you’re intelligent, no matter what you said about schooling. I think you have goals now. I think you know the power of loving someone and losing someone. And you don’t want to lose anyone else, do you?”

“No, ma’am.” My chest tightens with an ache I’d almost forgotten.

I wish my mother had sat me down and talked to me like this at some point. Now, maybe it’s too late.

“You’re not stupid.” Her voice is a slap.

I don’t say anything, but my eyes flash.

“You wouldn’t stay in this town and think you’d get away with hurting our son.” Rhea rises and nudges the plate closer to me. “I think you’d like to change. To have the life you see here.”

I almost snap back that I just said that, but Rhea is right. I’m not stupid. So I just keep nodding.

“If you hurt Lazarus, you won’t breathe one extra second,” she murmurs, face pale, beautiful, and deadly serious.

“If Pazcuso sends men to get him, I’ll be the one picking them off. He doesn’t deserve to have his life interrupted, or his family endangered. If I had been told who he really was, if I had met him and seen him...” I choke down a sudden sob that attacks out of nowhere. “I would never have come. I didn’t mean to feel this way, but I wouldn’t have hurt him.”

“Feel this way?” Manny asks, his deep voice slow and curious. “What way?”

Well, I’ve told these people, these monsters that have a better marriage, a better home, a better sense of family and community than I ever will, that I’m a cold-blooded killer and former glorified call girl, so what’s a little more humiliation?

“I’ve been feeling empty. Fractured. Not human. Not even alive. Like some shadow, some monster stuck in a human shell. Lazarus feels things, and cares for things, and he’s so much more than he thinks he is. I felt like I met someone who could... love me. And I could love him. We could be monsters together and heal together. I felt like I was falling for him. I still am. Even last night I—” I brush my hand over my neck. “It doesn’t matter what I want or hoped for. I blew it, I get it.”

“Well. Sometimes when the dust settles after the explosion, the road has been cleared. Then it’s time for something better to be built.” Manny crosses his arms and looks at Rhea over my head.

No words this time. She nods. He nods.

They look at me.

I try not to shrink in my chair.

“You are on probation, Victoria. We still need the help here. We could get a call to rush to the hospital any minute, and Lazarus is great, but he can’t handle everything alone.”

“You could find someone else,” I protest. “I can’t work here. Not with him here. He’ll hate it. Hate me. I mean, I deserve that, but I was kind of hoping he wouldn’t hate me at such close range. I definitely can’t stay in your apartment.”

“We’ll handle the logistics. You commit to staying here.”

“Where?” I gesture around. “I have some money I can use—”

“Fia Frobisher! My photographer friend—” Rhea begins.

“Who is married to Bryce Frobisher on the Lumberjacks hockey team. Go ‘Jacks!” Manny finishes.

“Honey. Focus.”

“Sorry. Uh, Bryce and Fia have that nice place out on the lake road.”

“Fia’s camper, her RV. She doesn’t use it during the hockey season. She can move it to where you want it... Like.... One of the spots in the grocery store parking lot,” Rhea points towards the big shopping center.