Page 45 of Smash

After my morning coffee and a piece of toast, I got lost in my writing for a bit. Then I worked around the apartment, cleaning the dishes that had been neglected from Sunday dinner and compiling our dirty laundry.

The weekend had been productive, serving not only to strengthen my relationship with Calder, but to further solidify Rafe in my mind as Calder’s off-limits best friend who also happened to be dating someone. Immersing myself in Cara’s show and forcing myself to face them together made it clear how delusional I’d been. Judging from his attitude toward me Saturday night, it seemed Rafe had come to his senses as well. The colder he was toward me, the better. The universe had apparently determined that was what I deserved.

As I went downstairs to put in my load of laundry, I didn’t bother to look toward Rafe’s apartment. Instead, I put one foot in front of the other and focused on tending to my business for the day.

I threw our clothing into the machine, but when I turned around after starting it, I flinched at the sight of Rafe in the doorway to the basement.

“Hey…” I swallowed.

His voice was low. “Hi.”

He wasn’t carrying any laundry. Had he come down here just to talk to me?

I sucked in a breath. “What’s up?”

“I’m sorry about the other night,” he said.

“What do you mean?” I breathed, feeling stupid for even trying to pretend.

His stare was penetrating. “You know what I’m talking about.”

I nodded, looking down at my feet. “Why did you invite us to go if you knew it would be awkward?”

“Things got a little intense with us, so I thought it would be a good thing.” He paused. “You know?”

“Yeah, I do. That’s why I agreed to it.”

“We were on the same page, I guess.” He looked away. “I don’t know how to explain what I’m experiencing with you, except to say that I know it’s inappropriate. I keep wanting to be around you. There’s something about you, Talia, that grounds me in a way I don’t feel with anyone else. And I’m addicted to the feeling.” He paused. “There’s a connection. And I’ve tried to tell myself it’s because we’re both creatives, or we both lost parents, or it’s just the unique way our ADHD brains work. But whatever it is, it’s strong. Stronger than it should be. And I know it’s wrong to think about you in any other way than Calder’s girlfriend. I really need to start trying, though.” He chewed his bottom lip. “I’m hoping we can…start over. I promise not to make things weird anymore. That’s why I came down here, to tell you that.”

I didn’t know how to feel. “Sounds good.” I cleared my throat. “Well… Cara is really nice. So talented and beautiful. And you seem to be into her.”

“Looks can be deceiving.” He stared at me a moment. “But she’s perfect, right? No reason I shouldn’t be crazy about her. It’s just…” He shook his head. “Never mind. I shouldn’t get into this with you. I shouldn’t have come down here.”

“I’m glad you did, Rafe. It’s not like we can avoid each other, you know?”

“I felt bad for ignoring you the other night,” he said. “But I also didn’t know how to interact with you in front of him. I was afraid if I said a word, he would sense something off about me. The fucked-up thing is, what am I even talking about, right? Nothing happened between us, aside from some exchanged words.”

I couldn’t help it. I needed to know. “Speaking of words, can you please tell me what I said to you the night I was drunk?”

Rafe slid his hands into his pockets. “You sure you want to know?”

“I am.” I swallowed hard.

“You said Calder deserves better than a girlfriend who’s been fixated on another man.”

I cringed and let the humiliation set in. That was so dangerous. “Anything else?”

“That was it,” he murmured.

I hung my head. “I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to apologize for, Talia. If you hadn’t been so out of it, you would remember me telling you that you’re not the only one fixated.”

I looked up, letting his revelation wash over me.

His stare felt like it might burn the skin off my arms and face. If I didn’t change the subject, I thought I might explode.

“I’m looking forward to starting my job next week. I need something to get me the hell out of this house.”