Page 121 of Noctis

He reached across the table and placed a hand over mine. “Your heart is racing. You’re nervous.”

“I am,” I admitted.

“You’ve been unhappy for the past week. How can I make you happy?”

I yanked my hand out from under his. Wisps of shadow reared up like tiny cobras, seemingly startled by how sharply I’d moved. Either that or I was losing it.

I fixed my gaze on a section of the kitchen wall a few centimeters above Caligo’s right shoulder. “I’ve been thinking a lot this week.”

“What about?”

Someone―probably me, given I was the only one out of us who ate―had spilled salt on the table. I looked down and began pushing the grains around with one fingertip, making a swirling pattern. “Practical things.”

“Like bills? I know humans worry about things like that.”

“Not bills.” I gave an embarrassed little laugh. “Money is never something I have to worry about.”

“Are you worried about Tyler?”

I pushed the salt back into a pile and set about making a different pattern. “Tyler’s not going anywhere for a few years. I’m confident he’ll be convicted, and although I’m not fooling myself that they’ll lock him up and throw away the key, his life will be completely changed when he gets out due to having a criminal record. And if it isn’t…”

I’d been going to say that Caligo could kill him. But if I went ahead and said what I intended to say, that wouldn’t be an option. My head was starting to throb.

“If it isn’t…?” Caligo prompted.

“It will be.”

I collected the salt into a pile again and started on my third pattern. “I’ve been thinking about the difficulties we’ll face if you stay here.”

“Difficulties?”

“Having a boyfriend… a lover… whatever you want to call it… whom I can’t ever introduce to anyone causes problems.” Caligo’s silence made me launch into an explanation. “Because, it’s not like I can say, Hey, here’s my monster lover. You need to accept him as he is.” More silence. “You understand that, right?”

“That you can’t introduce me. Of course, I understand that. I’m not―”

“Not stupid,” I finished for him. “I know that. No one would ever say you were.” I sneaked a glance at him. “Scary. Freakishly tall. But not stupid.”

“Are you saying you want me to leave?”

“I’m saying,” I said slowly, “that I have no idea how this thing will work in the long term.”

“This thing?”

“Us. A relationship. My friends might buy that Tyler has put me off men for a year or two, but after that… they’ll start asking questions.”

“And what your friends think is important?”

More important than me.

He didn’t say it, but I could hear the question all the same.

I closed my eyes for a few seconds, my thoughts churning. “Yes… No… I don’t know. I just can’t get it to make sense in my head.”

“The it in question being us?”

“Yes.”

I waited for him to tell me that what I thought didn’t matter, that he wasn’t going anywhere.