Page 103 of Ember Rising

I think about the way he told me to run from the Fire Eaters when they approached. He stayed, hoping to distract them long enough for me to get away. But he put himself in harm’s way for many people over the course of his career. It doesn’t make me special.

“You’re a noble man. Putting others first is what you do.”

He scoffs, moving so close I can feel the heat of his body. He looks down at me, keeping his hands at his sides.

“I don’t know how to do this.” He runs a hand over his hair. “I’m trying. I think about you all the time. Every fucking minute. I’m ... consumed by you. I’d do anything to make you look at me like you used to.”

Memories of Donovan come flooding back. He and Donovan aren’t alike, and I don’t know why I’m remembering my relationship with him. There has to be some connection my subconscious is making.

“I couldn’t be with Donovan anymore. I’d let him keep”—I fight back tears—“fucking me even though it made my skin crawl. It took me months to work up the courage to tell him I was willing to die just to get away from the Deadmen.”

Evander slowly moves his hands to my upper arms, his eyes asking me if it’s okay to touch me. I don’t object, and he wraps his large hands around my arms, his hold gentle.

“I’m so sorry you went through that.”

“I trust myself.” My voice breaks and I can’t keep my tears from spilling over. “I value myself. I will never let a man tell me he knows what I need better than I do again. I get to decide. You took that away from me. You trusted yourself with my well-being more than me. Even if you planned to change your mind at the last minute. There were so many times you should have told me, but you didn’t.”

The pain and longing in his eyes are so visceral I have to look away.

“Tell me what I can do,” he begs. “Anything. Tell me this isn’t the end of us.”

I shake my head, still crying. “I don’t know. I just want to get out of here. I want to believe Sela meant it when she said she’s trying to help me. But what if she can’t? All I want is to leave this place and go find Briar.”

“I don’t know if I can convince whoever needs convincing, but I’ll try.”

I meet his eyes again. “I’m so tired of running. I’m tired of being lied to.”

He leans down, putting his forehead on top of my head. “I’ll die before I ever tell you anything but the full truth again. I promise.”

All I want is to fall into him. Let him wrap his strong arms around me and tell me it will all be okay. But that’s not the woman I want to see anymore when I look in a mirror.

“I can’t think about anything but staying alive right now,” I say. “If telling the ILF I’m not helping means they won’t let me go, I accept that. But I won’t change my mind. No one will ever coerce me into anything again.”

“I understand. I’ll try to get you released unconditionally. But please be smart about this. You can’t walk out of here alone.”

I put a palm on his chest, easing him away from me.

“There’s no other way. I’m not joining the ILF. Everyone here, including you, goes where the ILF sends them.”

“I’ll see if I can get assigned to a protective detail op for you.”

“No.” I wrench myself out of his hold, furious. “I want to walk out of here with everyone I trust at this base. That’s me. Only me. I don’t give a fuck if you think I can’t protect myself. I don’t care how valuable the ILF thinks I am to them. I’ll never help an organization that took my autonomy.”

His shoulders slump, his expression stricken. “I don’t want to go with you for you. It’s for me. When I think about you walking out of my life and leaving things between us like this ...”

Tears shine in his eyes and he looks away. It rips my heart out to see him hurting like this, even though I’m so mad at him I can’t even see straight.

“If you want to do something for me, get me released from here,” I say. “This is one of those instances of if you really love something, set it free.”

He sniffs and swipes a hand beneath his eyes, his jaw set in a tense line. “Yeah. Okay.”

He’s back to the impersonal, all-business tone I know so well. I want to reach out and tell him ... I don’t even know what. But I don’t.

Without another word, he turns and walks out of the room, closing the door behind him.

35

“Changing wind directions have stopped the spread of the wildfires. We’re gaining ground in the north, but we still have a long way to go.” – New America Commander Valerian Crow, in an unencrypted message to President Soren Whitman