Page 135 of Everdoll

Fortunately, what lived inside me wasn’t fire; it wouldn’t reduce anyone to ash. It was something colder and more merciless than that. A wave that moved through me quietly, having already abandoned the houses it might have destroyed, the gardens it might have ruined. It no longer needed them.

My dazzling sanctuary disappeared into the snow.

No.

My tears were not simply mourning. I knew the voice recordings were right. If Mina had tried to take her own life again and this time I hadn’t been able to stop her…I would have done the same thing. I’d have brought Mina back. Even if it meant going against the god.

So-called free will. I had no respect for anything.

I no longer wanted to listen to it. The end of the voice recordings meant having to face the real world. And I wasn’t ready for it, nor did I think there would ever come a time when I would be. Escaping nightmares wasn’t always as simple as casting the headphones aside. That luxury had vanished anyway. Now, I was tethered to the other Raymond’s voice, forced to listen as if it were my own death sentence being read aloud.

“Mina is continuing her life like nothing happened. Exactly one week has passed. Coretta said Soulprint’s threshold value is stable, but I still can’t relax. There’s no foreign expression in Mina’s eyes as I feared; she’s acting like my usual Mina. The soul waves are the same as before, so I think the person I brought back is really her, but… I’m not sure what I did to her. I’m not sure what the consequences will be. Every time I hug her, guilt settled heavy in my stomach; the idea of hugging a dead person never leave my mind. She’s not the real Mina, no, she is not. I’m aware of this. Did she become fake because of me, the person who would do anything to keep her real? I don’t know. My nightmares have increased, I feel like I’m going crazy. The other day I even talked with a weird figure who said they were a grief merchant. Have I really gone crazy? How do I stop thinking, how do I stop my brain working? I don’t want to think about anything, but sometimes… I look up at the sky. The free sky we dreamed of with Mina now suffocates me. I think about all the things she didn’t tell me before she died. Yes, Raymond. She died. I have to accept that. The new Mina doesn’t remember those moments. She doesn’t remember what she did before she died, no matter how much I ask her. But I do. I remember our fight. I know how she died with all those questions. All the pain she kept inside, distancing herself from me, locking herself in that stupid tower. And my selfish love, with my head in the clouds, not noticing her downfall, fill my mind. The forced smiles she gave haunts me. I can’t look up at the sky anymore. Because I knew. Every part of my soul knew. Even before we fought, I knew she was gone, but I was afraid. Afraid of afraid to speak final words, to reveal uneasiness, to face goodbyes… I’m not as brave as Mina, I can’t live without her. I can’t be alone again. Even now… What have I done, Raymond? Why can’t I let her go? She’s walking around alive, but Mina’s scent is gone from the air, I can’t breathe in it. I’m so scared. For the first time in my life, I’m so scared, Raymond. I hope my fear passes, Mina ages normally and lives with me forever.”

I knew the next voice recording wasn’t a good sign because the device’s cables had started to explode again, and when I checked the data stream, I realized it was the final message. It seemed after this voice recording, the Raymond from the other dimension had sent him those text messages.

“It’s over, Raymond. I’ve reached the end of my research. It’s been a long time since I last sat in front of this device. So much has changed. My younger self, Little Remi was always right. I turned into a greedy person. I would’ve been so happy to have that humanistic behavior, but it only led to disaster. We can’t be human, Raymond. We’re too far from being one. What kind of person would turn the girl he loves into a weapon on purpose? Did I really love Mina? How could I have placed her in an unknown device without testing it properly? What kind of person would not even respect her corpse? That bastard Sebastian found out what was happening and kidnapped Coretta, who was protecting the Soulprint’s threshold. His intention was clear, he wanted to play the disaster I created. Mina is at the Loxton estate now. Without me. But for some reason, there is a sense of acceptance within me. A sense of giving up… This feeling came too late; it should’ve come before… Right. It’s too late now. I know Sebastian will use her electrified body. The endless white light illuminates the planet, I go outside, and Mina is floating in the air. Surrounded by blue light, I now realize that the subconscious frequencies we supposedly accumulated are nothing but nonsense. I just brought her noble soul to this filthy world again. I tried to trap what should’ve disappeared with death back into matter. I am aware of my sin, but every time I see Mina’s body, I realize I cannot escape my weakness. If I destroy the Soulprint, everything may end. Sebastian may stop controlling her, but… her eyes are still open, Raymond. That thing… still looks like Mina. She was Mina. Whether she turns into a monster, or is just a shell, or takes any form she wants, I can never abandon my Mina. I can’t let her disappear. I can’t survive in this hell without her. I’m so weak, Raymond. My mother was right; I wasn’t made to love anyone. For years, I’ve been deceiving myself. When I see something I cannot control, I know no other way than to get it by destroying it. I shouldn’t have tried to belong anywhere from the start. I’m trapped in solitude, too selfish to live without spreading my own destruction to everyone else. Right, I’m selfish. I used to adore her selfishness, I loved that human trait, but now… I hate it. I hate being human. I hate my selfish desires and the things I can’t control. Hate… I was born only for hate and destruction. Even now… I don’t know what I’m saying. I need to tell you the details of the experiment, but I have no strength left for anything. I’m just watching the tragedy I created as Mina floats toward the sky inside the blue balloon made of electricity. I want to scream, to become a butterfly like Mina believes and fly to her, to pull her out of that demonic shield and save her, but I have no strength. I couldn’t control anything. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to control it in the first place… So… this is my last recording, I’ll try to send short texts in case the sound waves don’t reach you. Please don’t make the same mistakes I did, Raymond. If you still assume you love Mina, do her a favor; stay away from her. Ah… My Mina’s blue light flew toward a building, and now the building is on fire. The entire planet is going to burn. I’ll sit and watch this disastrous scenery, and I’ll believe you’ll fulfill my wish. I’ll believe there is a dimension where I allowed Mina to die in peace. I’ll believe that I have the ability to set her free like a real human being, without involving her in my own destruction. Please let me have such a self. I beg you… I beg you…”

When the recording ended, I calmly removed the headphones. For some reason, none of the words had frightened me this time. I felt as though I had finished watching a cheap horror film. I relaxed a bit and even took a deep breath. The dilemma had been swirling in my mind since then seemed to have been resolved correctly by something divine.

To tear her apart or lose her completely… Which madness would it be?

Either option meant losing Mina, nothing would change.

So that’s what she meant by ‘from the very beginning that this is nothing but nonsense’.

My nose kept bleeding, but I didn’t even move to wipe it with a tissue. I slowly closed and opened my eyes, warm tears ran down my cheeks.

I now understood why Mina didn’t want to be my savior. Being responsible for something was frightening. Disastrous.

But am I the only one responsible?

Everything in my mind snapped into place. One by one, the lights came on until the brightness turned violent. I was angry with myself, but I had other plans. I had to take precautions.

By the time I left the committee building, night had already settled over Lesse. Fog clung low to the streets, blurring the edges of the city until it felt abandoned. I made my way to the Loxton estate in silence, then climbed the stairs with same manner.

Sebastian was in his room, seated at his desk, his attention fixed on the air screen glowing faintly in front of him.

“Son? I almost didn’t recognize you. Glad to see you finally remembered the way home.”

I remained silent.

“So… this new project of yours. What is it? You’ve been a ghost in committee for days. When does the public get a look? People are asking questions, son.”

Sebastian leaned back, smiling, but I didn’t move a muscle. I stood in the middle of the room, my body rigid.

“I’ll ask you this once.” My voice wasn’t threatening, rather it trembled with a strange anxiety. “If you have a chance, would you use her to make me kneel?”

Sebastian’s smile vanished, his features stiffed. “Where did that come from?”

“Answer me.”

“Watch your tone when you talk to your father.”

“Don’t start that parental bullshit with me. Just answer.”

He signed. “Alright… I know how much you value her. Of course, I couldn’t bring myself to do such a cruel thing.”

“Yet you see her as a weakness. You’re waiting for the right moment to use her against me. You know I’d die for her, right?” My face grimaced, my voice lower. “You know everything. You think she’s holding me back.”