Page 134 of Everdoll

Thanks to her obsession with it, I had begun to love it too.

That’s why… I knew, as the other Raymond had said, that one day I would enter the field of transhumanism. I knew I would want to make Mina immortal.

Otherwise, we couldn’t reach forever.

Forget about eternity.

When the words came to mind, I wanted to vomit. The horrific images in my head wouldn’t go away. As if my stupid dream wasn’t enough to ruin my mood, now the image of Mina covered in blood in the bathroom began to flash in my mind. I grabbed my hair, pulling out a few strands, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted to rip my brain out of my head.

Maybe I should cut off my head again, maybe this time I would really die.

I wanted to die so badly. I wanted to die for her. To give everything I had, every part of myself—but I was powerless. My pitiful existence had become so selfish I couldn’t even offer myself to the girl I loved in the way I wanted to. That was why I had thrown myself into the role of obedient servant so completely. I had no control over Mina. Immortal as I was, she was the one who owned me. I couldn’t picture a world where I outlived her. If she was gone, I wanted no part of whatever came after.

In that single second, I finally understood what my other self in that other dimension had meant.

If one day Mina were no longer there…

No.

I wanted to believe I wouldn’t go that far, but a voice inside me said I exactly could. I even had told Sebastian; when it came to her, I would break my own limits.

No, no, no.

I grabbed the headphones I tried to steady my breathing. I restarted the device, emptying my mind by focusing all my attention on the recordings. I had to grit my teeth a little longer and wait until the recordings were finished. I couldn’t afford to lose my mind now—not until I found out exactly what my other self had been up to.

“My Mina doesn’t need to know about this anyway. I won’t mention it until I’m equal with her. Maybe I’ll return to normal, so I won’t have to drag her into my family’s curse. I’m quite hopeful about this. I’ve already started researching my body, trying to figure out exactly what my skin is made of. Maybe I can be fixed. Maybe one day I’ll feel complete without Mina. Even if that day comes, I can’t stay away from her. This is the opposite of freedom, but that’s not what I want. I want to belong to someone. To her. I want to love her with everything I have. That way, I can deserve her. A wretched creature like me can love a fascinating human like her. We deserve this, don’t we, Raymond? Mina thinks we’re very cool, she always says she loves how emotionless we are and wants to be like us. It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? Do people always desire what they don’t have? Or is it our differences draw us to each other? All I know is I want to be with her forever. We’re so close to belonging to each other completely.”

I was looking for a tissue as I opened the other recording. Blood was starting to flow from my nose, my vision was blurring.

“You disgusting Remi, I hate you.”

Hearing my own voice so cold, so broken, made my eyes widen. As the recording continued, I fought to swallow.

“I hate myself. I despise this filthy, selfish ego of mine. I wish I was dead. I threw myself into a cauldron filled with flames, but a few hours later I opened my eyes again in the laboratory. I can’t die, why can’t I die? If I could die, I would be with Mina forever. Fuck, how am I going to make this recording, fuck…”

A few rustling sounds were heard, the voices are distorted, and I watched the wall.

No way.

Before I could process what I’d heard, the other Raymond’s voice returned. Now he was screaming, there was no trace of the calmness from the previous recordings, his tone broken with pure sorrow, growing hoarse.

“Mina was going to die! Maybe she… She did, I, I… It’s my fault! We were fighting, and after that, she did it again. This time I didn’t get there in time, I couldn’t save her. There was blood everywhere… everywhere! Her blood never stopped flowing. No, my Mina… I held her in my arms… I tried to smell her, but her heart wasn’t beating. Nothing… I heard nothing… Nothing! I couldn’t think anything. I… had no other choice. I put her in Soulprint.”

“What…?” My eyes gathered tears, and I shook my head slowly. “No… no! Fool Raymond! No, no, no! You didn’t do it! You fool!” The trembling voice continued to fill the earpiece because I had forgotten to turn off the device.

“Coretta… said it was very dangerous, we had never put a human in before, there was a chance it could… harm Mina. But I… I couldn’t listen, I didn’t hear anything. You can’t judge me, you wouldn’t have listened either. If it were you… Ice… She was like ice… I brought her chest to my ears over and over, but there was no heartbeat, Raymond. The more I tried to feel her, the more she disappeared. No… I… I… Mina can’t disappear, she can’t die, she just can’t… I won’t let her, I won’t let her disappear like this. No…”

“No…”

I brought my hands to my face. I couldn’t hold back any longer, tears came, but they were helpless ones. They fell so delicately, so silently, as if even they had noticed the futile rebellion running through me.

“No… is this the punishment for not telling her the truth? Why must I atone for this sin like this? Someone answer me, I beg, someone! If you’re angry with me, take my life! Take the lives of my ignorant family who play God! Why Mina? Please, not her… No… Please wake up, my princess. Why are you still sleeping? If they gave me fifty lives, I’d spend all of them keeping you awake. But no one’s giving me that, Mina. No one’s coming to my aid. I’m all alone again. The vast universe is a prison cell now. Please… don’t lock me up here forever. Don’t condemn me to solitude. Please… just… Just wake up. Please, please… Why? Why don’t you wake up? Tell me, Mina… How could you be so cruel, leave me like this? Is it because of me? I kept saying I’d die for you, you tired of that? May God punish me Mina, my words were empty. Even if I want to, I can’t die for you. I’m not like you. I’m not! I’m not worth it. No, I’m not… Then why? Why? Why did you stop being real? Why.? Why did you di… No, no, no, no! Mina didn’t die, my beautiful Mina can’t die. Do you hear me? She can’t die. No, no… She cannot stop being real, I won’t allow it. I refuse to allow it, I’ll never accept this! Never! Never… She came out of Soulprint alive. I succeeded, yes, I succeeded. No one… Even God can’t take her away from me. I won’t let this happen. So tell me, my dear Mina, is this what you call devotion? You always wanted us to be the princess and her loyal knight. But in the end, our story looks like a mad alchemist and the only witch who can tame him. Not that charming, right? But I don’t care. I said forever, and I never break my word. We never break our word, do we, Raymond? Never. Never… That’s the end of this recording. Be proud of yourself. You kept your promise to Mina, you gave her eternity. Be proud, you filthy Remi.”

Before next recording, I stared at the wall vacantly. I couldn’t even think anymore; every word seemed to have lost its meaning. Falling into an endless snowstorm, I was freezing, all my pain stuck by the cold.

There’s a dimension where Mina died because of me.

I felt utterly alone. In the coldest room on Mars, standing before that vast screen, I felt small—diminished in a way I had no name for. My chest hollowed out. For a moment I couldn’t trust the reality of what was streaming down my face.