Page 127 of Everdoll

The city was washed in Mars’ deep blue glow when Sebastian took me to Olind House. I waited to breathe again as I watched the darkened building. I waited to be filled with joy at being reunited with her. But none of that happened. No reality changed.

I was a worthless man who couldn’t see my lover’s facade.

Had she become a soulless shell because of me? Yet my sole purpose in life was to preserve her realness. How had I not seen the hollowing of her light? How could I not? From the first day we met, Mina had seen right through me, but I had failed her entirely. I wasn’t the cure for her soul.

As I went to the window and entered her dark room, my heart raced faster than it had in days. Seeing she was lying peacefully in her bed made him swallow. Oh… Did I secretly want to see her suffer too? Why was I disappointed?

Yes, I was. I knew I had failed her entirely, but deep down I held my anger toward her. Why had she worn her masks in front of me in the first place? How could she do that? I let my guard down because I believed she would keep her promise. Even though I had my moments of doubt, I was certain Mina wouldn’t hide her true feelings from me. From the person she supposedly trusted and loved the most.

How foolish of me.

I reached out and looked at her wrists. The cuts weren’t getting worse; they were slowly fading. She wasn’t suffering from our break-up like. She must really have been suffocating. Ss she’d said, being away from me was really good for her.

No one would leave anyone. That was what I’d said years ago, but now I wasn’t so sure anymore. I wet my dry lips, suppressed the urge to sob. I knelt down in silence, and sat beside her bed. I placed my fingers on her sensitive throat, stroking the bite marks hadn’t faded yet.

So simple, so easily broken.

I leaned forward slightly and rested my forehead against hers. Closing my eyes, I felt the slow rhythm of her breath, taking in her scent as my fingers gently brushed through her red curls. I longed to kiss her skin, visible beneath her shirt, but hesitated, afraid it might wake her.

I began to fear Mina.

If she woke up and said things about hating me again, I would truly die this time. My entire existence depended on what came out of her mouth, and I no longer wished to hear it.

I pressed my lips to her forehead tenderly, almost in fear. This was the last time. It was at this place where I’d first realized she was my addiction. And now, in the same place, I made the decision to let go of it.

I had once again chosen to play the obedient servant. All I wanted was for her to be happy—for those troubled cuts to disappear completely. That alone was enough for me.

Are you sure? Didn’t you say forever?

I was glad I prove my mother wrong. I had the ability to love someone sincerely. I was human enough to suppress the desire to obtain things by destroying them. I wasn’t an unintelligent creation: I could respect the girl I loved. In the end, I let go of her.

Did you? Can you?

I climbed out the window and walked to the car. That stupid ache returned to my eye sockets again. I slammed the door shut and looked ahead blankly for a few seconds. Sebastian in the driver’s seat asked me something, but I couldn’t comprehend it; the letters sounded like they were coming from the bottom of the ocean. When the car finally started moving, I flinched and glanced at the window.

My eyes traveled to the window I just jumped out of, and I winced even more. Normally, Mina would watch me go from behind the curtains and wave every time. With a magical smile on her face. But now the curtains were drawn, and there was not even a shadow to be seen.

The first sob came at that very moment.

I began to cry violently. I doubled over, agony had reached inside my ribcage and clenched my lungs in its fist. I couldn’t remember ever feeling such a tremor in my entire life. Was this what it felt like to be gutted while still alive? Was this what it felt like to die? My entire body was convulsing with sobs.

“You’ll forget her, Ray. Stop being weak.”

Sebastian’s voice filled my ears, and I tried to suppress my sobs, pulling at my hair to tear it out.

I loathed this. I loathed this world that always demanded me to be strong. Didn’t I have the right to cry? I lost the cure for my soul; my sanctuary slipped from my hands. Without Mina, I was like a snake’s shed skin. I could never be real again. I had returned to the ruinous shell my family had made of me. What else could I do but cry?

It was over. Everything was over. My funeral had already been held.

Now I was just a marionette with its strings cut. Fallen, discarded, robbed of purpose. A hollow shell of a doll…

All I wanted was to be her boyfriend. Why do I have to turn into an emotionless creature like everyone wished?

My trembling shoulders stopped, I lifted my head, and leaned back. My breathing was still shaky, but the tears no longer flowed, frozen on my cheeks. I watched the road ahead, my jaw set.

“I won’t forget her. You know that damn well.”

“Everything is doomed to be forgotten, son.”