Page 104 of Everdoll

A sudden suffocation seized me. I was unworthy of the color pink. Gazing at the fabric made a dull ache spread through my skull. It brought back a past I had stubbornly refused to bury, a memory I was still too afraid to face. I had been running from reality for so long that finally being forced to look at it—a real connection—made me sick to my stomach.

Am I doing the wrong thing? I always did the wrong thing anyway. I was a stupid witch. But around Remi, those dark convictions dissolved. Every time his lips met mine, the relentless whispers in my head finally fell silent. He was intoxicating me, drawing me into a sweet hallucination.

A deception I shouldn’t have walked into.

My breathing quickened. I pressed a hand to my chest, waiting for it to steady. The changing room suddenly felt too small. I sank to the floor, my legs too weak to hold me up.

My fall must have made more noise than I realized, because then I heard Raymond’s voice.

“Mina? Aren’t you dressed yet?”

I took a deep breath, trying to compose myself. I had no excuse to give him. With unsteady fingers, I fumbled to button the pink shirt—disgusting pink—but the fabric strained tight against my chest. All my nerves snapped, furious tears gathered in my eyes. I couldn’t stand up; just sat there, weeping without a sound.

Why did you choose Remi instead of Eli?

No! I wanted to scream. It had been almost three years since Angelica died. I needed to forgive myself, to move on with my life. Even though I knew Eli would forgive me, I couldn’t.

I shouldn’t forgive myself. Forgetting her and live in peace felt hypocritical.

When Raymond opened the door, I was still on the floor. He was indeed wearing the pink shirt. It looked so good on him, so cute. My Remi looked beautiful in everything. My Remi only loved his dear Mina. Whenever I returned home from school, he was always there. Whenever I was upset, his fingers would trace through my hair until my restless heart settled. He always guided me through my homework, and never once let hunger touch me, always baking my favorite lemon cake. He was my safe place, my sanctuary. A sturdy mountain I could lean on… my forever guardian robot, bound to serve by my side until my final breath.

He wasn’t.

I shrieked. Raymond bent down and held me by the shoulders, asking what was wrong, but I couldn’t answer. I didn’t even know what to say. All the stress I had been holding in since hearing the name Loxton seemed to have been released.

If Remi wasn’t a robot, why had he promised me eternity? How could he?

One day, you will die because of me. Like Eli, like my mother. You’re going to leave me too like my dad. I’m all alone again.

“Shirt doesn’t fit…” I managed to say through my tears. “Stupid shirt… too tight…”

“Oh, my dear. Are you really crying over this?”

He laughed. He just laughed. I felt something break inside me. I wanted him to see, I thought my dear robot could always tell when I was wearing a mask. I waited for him to notice my façade, to get angry, to ask me what the real reason was. Did he really see me as someone crying over a stupid shirt?

So… he’s not ‘forever’ either.

Well, of course he wasn’t.

I should’ve accepted this truth as soon as I learned he was human. But it hurt too much. It was so hard to accept the reality. The possibilities, all these events beyond my control were so… scary.

True. Raymond loved me. Maybe. It could be seen from his words and actions. For now. At that moment, he failed. Remi, who could see right through me, who I had let into every corner of my inner world, my soul, couldn’t see through my disguise.

Nothing was guaranteed. Not even his love.

Wake up from the dream. Wake up before it’s too late.

I loathed this feeling—the suffocating weight of it. I refused to bind myself to anything that wasn’t absolute, wasn’t forever. I couldn’t shake the idea that after happiness, destruction would come sooner or later. So I had to give up. I shouldn’t be jealous of Remi. In the end, he was like Angelica.

He could slip away at any moment.

Butterflies cannot reach the sky.

That’s why I had to do something before I was abandoned.

When he asked the employee for a shirt one size larger, I tried to smile. I did my best to keep up appearances. But what if Raymond saw me as a fragile, spoiled girl, only a problem to be solved? I was exhausted from feeling like a parasite, like a cursed witch, leaching the energy from everyone I touched. Just a burden to the people I loved.

I’m suffocating.