Page 76 of Paging Dr. VanRyan

“He’s a great guy,” she agreed. “But I think it was going to happen. We’re all trying to survive right now, and the demands are endless. I can barely look after myself, never mind worrying about a relationship outside of the course.” She regarded me. “I think it took guts for him to do that. I had a feeling he was pretty deep in love with you.”

I nodded. “And me with him. And I know he’s right. It’s the wrong time for us.”

She took my hand. “But it sucks.”

“Yeah.”

“Have you heard from him?”

“No. Knowing Matthew, he would have left as soon as possible.”

“So he wouldn’t change his mind and show up to beg for your forgiveness and to figure it out?”

I lifted one shoulder, unsure. “Or just to get back to his life and let me get on with mine.”

She nodded. “Then let’s do that. We’ll shower, and we can hit the library and get good seats.”

“Okay.”

I cried for days in private. At school and with my roommates, I presented a strong front. The girls knew we had broken up, but none of them tried to talk to me about it aside from a hug of support. Jill would have listened if I’d wanted to talk, but the truth was, I didn’t. I called Sue and told her, trying to be strong, but breaking down by the time I finished saying the words. She was silent for a moment before she spoke.

“I’m sorry, kiddo. He was a good one.” She took a deep breath. “But maybe it’s for the best. You can concentrate on your work without the distraction. He can focus on being a doctor.”

“I know.”

“I hate that you’re hurting. But I won’t offer to come out. I know you don’t have the time.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“Don’t you dare be sorry. I get it. And we’ll celebrate when you’re done and spend all sorts of time together. You do what you have to do, you understand me?”

“Yes.”

“Just keep in touch. A weekly proof-of-life text. A call if you can.”

“Okay,” I said, a ghost of a smile on my face. “And Sue, if you see him…be nice.”

“I will. I think it was brave. And in the future, who knows?”

I had hung up after saying goodbye and stared out the window of my little room. I saw the main street, the cars lined up, and hundreds of people walking, filling up the sidewalks.

The future, for now, was this.

As for later—well, I couldn’t think that far ahead.

I needed to get through today first. Then tomorrow.

Maybe one day, I would be able to look ahead. But not now.

Matthew

Life didn’t change much for the next while. Maddy had been gone for three months before I broke it off, so I was used to life without her in it daily already. The routine was much the same, but I had an ache in my chest I felt constantly. A small shadow that crossed my mind more than I wanted to admit.

My parents left for Ontario and Heather’s wedding, planning on staying for a while, then going to see Penny after she had her baby. I could see Mom wavering, but I assured her I was fine and busy. I refused to let her see how broken up I was about Maddy and me. Dad was true to his word, and nothing was said to me about Maddy the next time I spoke with Aiden or Bentley. Gracie called me, offering her quiet support but understanding that I didn’t want to discuss it.

When I had broken it off with Marie, I was angry. Spitting in rage if her name was brought up. Or if someone mentioned John. It took a long time before that anger deflated and it didn’t bother me to hear their names because I no longer cared. I had steadfastly refused to discuss any of it with my family, and they had respected my wishes, no doubt already surmising what had happened.

Maddy’s memories were only pleasant. Thoughts of her, of our time, made me smile, even as I felt the sadness of losing her. So often, I wanted to reach out and share moments of my day, only to recall I no longer could. I kept busy with work and the small group of friends I had, grateful that she had not been part of those circles yet. They were free from memories of us and easier to be involved in. My life moved along slowly, each day another challenge. But I kept moving forward—or at least trying to do so.