Page 69 of ReTreat Yourself

I fully enjoy his varied kissing procedures for another ten minutes, before I become aware that my sister, with camera phone held aloft, and Maria-José-Inmaculada-Carmen are hovering by our sides, grinning away.

I break instantly from Oliver’s embrace and turn to face them.

The important thing to remember here, I think, is my manners. I turn to Maria-José-Inmaculada-Carmen first. ‘You remember the nice gentleman from the ICF, don’t you?’

She gives me a strange look. Her eyes are slightly crossed. ‘Sí, sí, of course! Of course, yes. Yes! You are meester… The laughing man. Of course. Meester Laughing Man.’ She is exceedingly pissed.

Oliver continues to laugh, shaking his head. ‘Don’t you have some sort of booking system? How can you not know my name by now?’

She’s on her own. She can take one for the team.

‘Oliver,’ he says, introducing himself. ‘Oliver Reynolds.’

Then Maria-José-Inmaculada-Carmen and I look incredulously at one another. For once we are locked in mutual understanding. We make big O’s with our mouths.

Reynolds!

Reynolds! I’ve always wanted to be MRS REYNOLDS! I wonder if he’d mind changing his name to Ryan.

‘Meester Raynolds!’ she yells, a small hissing sound emerging from her lips.

Oh God, oh God, oh God.

‘Meester RAY-NO-W-LDS,’ she repeats super slowly in case I didn’t get the inference. She gives me a pantomime Widow Twanky type wink.

Thankfully, Oliver allows this to go straight over his head. He turns to Ava. ‘And you must be the infamous sister.’

Oh shit.

But before I can explain, my sister suddenly looks alert and about to make a Nobel-prize-winning revelation.

‘I have nearly a million followers on Instagram. I post videos… you know, on TikTok? You’ve probably seen them? I do life hacks? To help people like… live better, y’know? Milly-May follows me?’

She has gone into full Me. Me. Me mode.

This means very little to Oliver, and he doesn’t flicker. I love him! Then my sister looks at him all wonky-eyed and points to herself. ‘I used to manage over two hundred staff⁠—’

I step in and cut her swiftly off. ‘Yes, yes, he knows.’

Oliver gives me a look and says that he’s off to the bar to get us all a pint of water each. So kind. So, so kind.

‘He ees muy, muy guapo,’ drools Maria-José-Inmaculada-Carmen.

‘If I was going to steal any of your boyfriends,’ Ava says, looking mischievously at me, ‘it would be Oliver. He’s absolutely off-the-chart good-looking and so unbelievably sexy.’

I am momentarily stumped by this. She wouldn’t, would she?

‘You’re not my type,’ says Oliver, swooping in suddenly and taking us by surprise.

Ava looks like she’s just been given nul points in the Eurovision song contest, as Oliver winks at me, puts three pints of water down on the table.

It takes only a second for her to get over herself. ‘Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!’ Ava shrieks, waving her phone around. ‘He liked my post!’

‘Who liked your post?’ I’ve never seen her this excited before, not since…

‘Ryan!’

‘Which one this time?’ I steel myself, ready for the answer.