Page 32 of Almost Ours

"He's a bird, Jess!"

"He's an evil bird!"

I barely have time to register what's happening before Bernardo is on us, his wings exploding out either side of him as he barrels straight for my legs. Holding Jess upright with one arm suddenly feels like the worst tactical decision I've ever made, but I haven't exactly got the option of dropping her, so I do the only thing I can think of and stick my free arm out between us.

"Mate," I say, sounding far less confident than I feel, "hell fucking no." I don't know what possesses me, but I hear myself making some sort of "SHOO!" noise whilst wildly flapping my free arm in his direction.

Whatever I had hoped would happen, it has the opposite effect. Bernardo, if that’s his fucking name, hisses again, louder this time, and launches himself the last few feet with his wings spread so wide I swear they double in size.

"JOSH!" Ruby shrieks.

"I'M TRYING! I’M A ONE MAN FUCKING ARMY!”

“TRY HARDER!”

“I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FIGHT A SWAN! DO YOU?”

Jess, who has somehow become the calmest person amongst us, lets out the most world-weary sigh I've ever heard. "You've made him angry."

“I DIDN’T DO SHIT!” The bird goes for my leg and I move fast enough that Jess nearly goes with me. Ruby catches her arm and between us we keep her on her feet while I stare at the swan in disbelief. “Are you fucking serious?”

Bernardo hisses again. I hiss back.

Yeah, take that.

Ruby actually chokes on a laugh. "Did you just hiss at it?"

“Have you got any better ideas?”

"I don't think you're speaking his language!"

"Well, he doesn't seem very fucking interested in English!"

Bernardo comes at us again and I immediately start backing up, one arm across Ruby while I drag Jess with the other. “Right. Fuck this. Move.”

"He's actually chasing us!" Ruby cries, half laughing, half screaming.

"I'm fucking aware!"

"What do we do?"

"I don't know! I don’t know shit about swans!"

My phone buzzes against my leg again. Whoever it is can wait because I’m currently trying to get two girls away from a swan that seems determined to have me.

Jess peers around my shoulder. “He’s definitely in a mood.”

"You think?" I bark, hopping sideways as Bernardo’s beak narrowly misses my ankle. "I don't suppose you know how to get rid of him?"

She considers it with far more concentration than I'd expect. "...No."

"Brilliant."

Ruby tugs at my sleeve. "I think we just keep moving."

Easy for her to say when she’s not trying to keep Jess upright and stop us getting pecked at the same time.

“Look,” Ruby says, pointing behind us.