Page 207 of In at the Deep End

Matt stared at him.

“I didn’t even notice it happening. So no, I didn’t wake up one morning and realise I loved you.” Owen swallowed again. “I just looked up one day and realised every picture I had of my future somehow had you in it.” He shivered. “And then last night happened.”

Matt frowned. “Did something happen at the party?”

“No, after it. Once everyone had left. I went outside.” Owen got up and went over to the window, staring down into the bustling street below. “The garden was finished. Everything was exactly how we wanted it. I sat on the patio, drinking it all in.” Another brief sigh. “And all I could think was that it didn’t feel finished.”

“Why?”

Owen turned to gaze at him. “Because you weren’t there.”

Matt’s eyes glistened, and the iron band around Owen’s chest tightened a notch.

“That was when I understood.” He shook his head. “The thing I thought I wanted was not the thing that mattered. The garden was simply how you found your way into my life.”

Matt wiped at his face. “I thought you were letting me go because you didn’t want this.”

An ache bloomed in Owen’s chest.

“I thought I’d got it wrong.” Matt swallowed hard. “I thought I’d taken everything you gave me and made it into something it wasn’t.”

Owen couldn’t bear the distance between them a moment longer.

He crossed the floor and knelt beside Matt’s couch. “No, you didn’t imagine it. I should’ve said something. I should have trusted you enough to tell you the truth instead of making the choice for both of us. Our time together on the island… It meant everything to me.” Owen reached for his hand. “That’s part of what frightened me.”

Matt’s fingers curled around his.

“I kept thinking I needed to stop this before you got too deeply involved. I thought if I stepped back far enough, you would eventually realise being with me wasn’t what you wanted.”

Matt bit his lip. “But I already knew what I wanted.”

“I know that now.”

“You should have asked.”

“Yes.” Owen squeezed his hand. “I should have.”

Matt tilted his head. “You really thought you were doing the right thing?”

“I did.”

“Even when I looked miserable?”

Owen closed his eyes. “That was the part I hated most.”

“Then why didn’t you stop?”

“Because I thought hurting you now would hurt less than hurting you later.”

Matt gave a disbelieving little laugh. “That’s a terrible theory.” He cupped Owen’s cheek and looked him in the eye. “You don’t get to do that again.”

Owen managed a nod, his head trying to work around the words Matt hadn’t said but had somehow implied.

“You don’t get to decide what I can handle.”

Owen had tried to find a way around the truth. He’d called it caution, responsibility, kindness. He’d told himself loving Matt meant knowing when to let him go.

But there was nowhere left to hide.