Page 357 of Power Play

Bliss stood. “No.”

“I don’t mean it as punishment. I need to stop making everyone responsible for holding me together.”

“We’re your friends,” Aura said.

“And I lied to you.”

The words silenced both of them.

“I lied every time I made what Ryan and I had sound smaller. I came home after being with him and let you believe it was only studying.”

Bliss’s face tightened. “Why?”

“I was scared.”

“We wouldn’t have told your parents.”

“I know.”

“Then why hide it from us?”

I pressed my hands against my stomach. The answer existed beneath years of carefully managed appearances and the voice insisting that nothing was safe once another person could see it.

“If I told you, it became real outside Ryan’s apartment. Then I would have to make a move against my parents. I was terrified of losing him and terrified of losing them.” My voice cracked. “I lost everything when I lost him.”

“It was already real,” Aura said.

“I know.”

“You knew then.”

“Yes.”

Her expression hardened. “Give us something more than fear.”

Shame moved beneath my skin.

“I didn’t want you looking at me the way my parents would.”

Bliss stared at me. “For loving Ryan?”

“For wanting someone so different from the life I was supposed to choose.”

“That’s fucked, babe,” Aura said.

I nodded. “I know.”

“What did you think we would do?”

“I don’t know!” My voice broke through the room. “That’s the worst part. I didn’t believe you would judge him. I knew you loved him and would be happy for me.”

Aura rose slowly. “Then you weren’t afraid of what we thought about Ryan.”

I looked at her.

“You were ashamed because your parents drilled their rules about what was acceptable so deeply into you.”

The truth left me nowhere to hide. “Yes.”