Page 176 of The Incendiary

“You loved him.” She stroked my cheek with her thumb. “I know.”

A choked-off sob bubbled out of my throat as I stared into my lap. Yes, I loved him. Despite not having my memories, despite all he’d kept hidden from me for too long out of fear, despite every terrible thing he had ever done, I loved him. And now I didn’t know how to stop loving him.

“You hated him,” I whispered.

“I did until I didn’t.” She looked down at her hands, gathering her thoughts. “During the brief time I was with you and the Golds in Warrich, you sometimes just drifted off with this sad, empty look on your face. I thought it was just because you were sheltered, that maybe you were retreating into some sort of imaginative daze because it was more interesting than whatever was going on in that house.”

She looked up at me, her eyes rimmed with tears. “But when he showed up, it was like something snapped into place for you. He woke you up. Not one more time in those following weeks did I see that empty look. You were happy and hopeful for the first time since I met you, and I hated that it was because of him. And Ary?” She tucked her finger beneath my chin, lifting my eyes to hers. “I knew you were struggling, and I knew Elowen was hard on you, but I didn’t know how bad things got after she cast me out. If I’d known, I would have told Elias, and I would have come back sooner.” She blinked out a tear. “I’m so sorry.”

I shook my head and croaked out, “It’s not your fault.”

“Perhaps. But I could have done better. And I’m proud of you for doing exactly what you needed to find yourself.” She squeezed my hand, knowing I needed to hear this. “I never want you to look as empty again as you did in Warrich.”

I nodded and swallowed, my throat thick with tears. “What did he say to you that night in Tovick?”

Her eyes filled with compassion. “He told me you were married. That Simeon took you away. He begged me to let him take you to Brinnea for one chance to see if you remembered your home before he gave you up. He was terrified to let you go, and he was fucking insane, but after all he told me, I remember feeling like no one has ever loved someone the way he loved you.”

I choked out a sob, finally breaking. “Gemma, he’s gone.”

“I’m sorry, Ary.” She reached for me. “Oh, love, I’m so sorry.”

I rested my head in her lap, focused on the smooth stroke of her gentle fingers in my hair, wept for nearly an hour, until I pulled myself together and felt slightly lighter than before, as if each time I cried, some of the tightness in my chest released and dissipated.

“Don’t ignore the sadness,” Gemma said. “But don’t be cruel to yourself, either. Let yourself focus on all the good things if that’s what it takes to survive.”

The good things. I still needed to see Caz and meet Marin and the baby. Then there was Ezra. I suspected that earning his forgiveness would be one of the hardest tasks ahead of me.

As if I’d summoned them with my thoughts, there was a knock on Gemma’s door.

“Come in!” she called.

Finn entered. Beside him, Caz walked in, tall and proud on two legs. One of them his own, the other made for him. His wide, genuine smile gave me hope that he wasn’t letting his new way of existing dampen his vibrant, uplifting spirit. Marin—the spitting image of Mina, only older—had one arm wrapped around her husband’s waist. In the other was a sleeping baby boy with dark hair and a button nose.

“We told Caz and Marin everything,” Gemma admitted. “I hope that’s all right.”

My eyes welled with tears, overwhelmed with joy and relief. Caz stepped forward, his hazel eyes full of care and concern as he said, “It’s so good to see you, Ary.”

I let out a sigh and threw my arms around him. When we released each other, Caz gave me a sympathetic look that told me he knew why I was hurting. I forced myself not to dwell and turned to his wife instead.

“Marin.” I smiled warmly.

“My queen.” She greeted me with a graceful curtsy, even with an infant in her arms. “I heard my siblings got ahold of you at the Barracks. I imagine my little brother made quite a fool of himself, as usual.”

Caz shook with quiet laughter. I laughed, too. It felt good.

“Are Mavic and Mina here yet?” I asked, peering down at the sleeping baby in her arms.

“Just this morning,” Marin confirmed. “They came straight to their nephew, of course, but they’re so eager to see you.”

“He’s beautiful.” I ignored that same nagging ache in my chest as I admired the tiny child. “What’s his name?”

“Ari Mavic Sinclair.” When Caz saw my eyes shoot wide, he grinned and nudged me with his shoulder. “The ‘Ari’ is spelled with an i.”

I fell speechless. They named him after me, when I was the reason Caz was in Tovick when he lost his leg. After I failed to heal him. What could I possibly have done to deserve that honor?

Before I could ask, someone else knocked. I rushed to answer, only to have my heart drop into my stomach when I saw who was there.

“Hey Ezra,” I greeted him hopefully.