Page 48 of AJ’s Fire

“Jax. Jax! Slow down.” We were alone in the room, and he was ignoring me. I raised my voice to a command. “Firefighter! Put the bar down. You’re going to hurt yourself.” He huffed as he extended his arms, and I guided the weights back into place.

He sighed in frustration and put one arm over his eyes. “I’m gonna fuck this all up, AJ. I’m gonna fuck us up,” he whispered. “I just know it.”

I came around and kicked his shin. He got the message and sat up on the bench. I straddled it and faced him. “Jackson, it’s been one day. We haven’t fucked anything up.” I looked over my shoulder before leaning in closer. “If anything, this past year has been the fuck up.” He looked down, and I wanted to reach for his chin and gently guide his eyes to mine, but I didn’t trust myself to touch him and didn’t trust us not to get caught. “I’m so happy to have my friend back. We’ll figure out the rest of it. I promise.”

He nodded without further response.

“We just need some time, together, to figure shit out.” He nodded noncommittally. “Hey! I’ve got the perfect place. Jamie needs me to hang around the house on Friday. Come with me? We’ll have all day to talk.”

“On Friday? Are we babysitting?”

“Nah. Vee’s back at school already. We’re waiting for furniture delivery, I think. I wasn’t really listening.”

“I thought Jamie swapped out all of the furniture after Anna died.”

“Mostly. Some friend of Josh’s is staying with him this month, so Jamie bought a bed for that room downstairs.”

“Where I used to sleep on that crappy futon that was falling apart?”

“I remember that. Yeah, I think that piece of junk actually did fall apart last year. Something about Josh and a hookup.” The memory had me laughing. “That room was full of old baby furniture and toys and that ancient futon Jamie and Anna had had since their first apartment, and Josh brings some guy down there. None of us were supposed to be there, because at least Josh has sense enough not to bang dudes with Vera in the house, but for some reason, we all came back early. My parents were even there, and the guy’s running out the back door, Josh holding up one of the armrests.” I was laughing in earnest at the memory.

Jackson smiled. “Your little brother’s a little slutty.”

“He really is.” I looked at my best friend knowingly. “He reminds me a little of us. And from what he says, this roommate of his is just the same. So it’s probably a good thing Jamie is buying him a sturdy bed. So meet me over there anytime Friday morning. I’ll just be hanging out, waiting for the delivery. We can talk about how much you do not need to worry about you and me. Okay?”

“Okay.” His tone reverted to being noncommittal.

It was an uneventful shift, and I felt Jackson trying to avoid me like he’d done for all those months, but I wouldn’t let him. I pulled a few people together to talk about ideas for the charity event we were planning, and by the end of the shift, Curtis, Jackson, and I had been appointed to the planning committee along with members of the Burcus Center staff and some of our teammates from other shifts.

The next morning, I let Jackson know I was going to go home and change and then head straight to Jamie’s. I’d told him not to rush, but he was at the door almost as soon as I’d turned on the TV and put my feet up with a cup of coffee in hand.

“Hey,” he huffed, out of breath. “I jogged over. Mind if I shower up?”

He didn’t really wait for a reply as he made his way to the downstairs bathroom, where he used to stay when we helped out after Anna died.

“I’ll be here,” I said to his fading back before sitting back down to watch the news.

When he returned, he was a vision in sweatpants. I was realizing how much I loved him in our FDNY navy blues, the dark material a contrast to his light hair, which was a shiny mess atop his head as if he’d run the towel over it once and left it at that. He wore a T-shirt that stretched and strained to hold him in, and on his feet were a pair of fuzzy, mismatched socks.

He may have caught me ogling him from head to toe, but he’d definitely caught where my gaze landed. He lifted and tapped first one set of toes, then the other. “My grandparents won’t miss them. And they’re really comfortable.”

“Fuck it,” I muttered under my breath. I hadn’t really meant to say it out loud, but Jackson’s eyes went wide as I stormed toward him and took him in my arms, enveloping him in the hug that I had wanted to wrap him in for the past year. It took him only a beat to hug me back and rest his head on my chest.

We stood like that until we were breathing in time with one another, my heartbeat having gone from a pounding mess to a gentle ebb and flow. Jackson relaxed against me. “Come here,” I whispered, and I did what I’d wanted to do the entire day before at the fire station. I gently guided his face, the slightest tap of my fingers under his chin, until I could brush my lips with his in a gentle hello. My body screamed for more, but today was about talking, so I dropped my hand to his and took a step back. Our eyes locked, but then his traveled.

“I got your shirt wet.” He brushed the spot where his wet head had stained my maroon-colored Hampstead University tee and that minor, simple, nonsexual touch ignited my whole body.

“Don’t care,” I said as I walked us to the couch. I deposited Jackson toward the middle of it and picked up the remote to mute the TV. I went to sit next to him, but at the last second, I took one of the chairs instead. We needed to talk, and I needed to not be distracted by my desire for Jackson. I was distracted enough by all of the other feelings I was having.

Chapter Sixteen

Jackson

I worried that my disappointment would be palpable when at the last second, AJ sat on a chair instead of sitting next to me on the couch. It was another feeling that I wanted to hide from AJ.

“That, right there.” AJ was pointing at me.

“What?” I questioned.