Page 49 of AJ’s Fire

“This is what we’re doing today, Jax. We’re talking all this shit out so that I don’t have to guess what that look’s about, and you don’t have to guess what I’m feeling. You and I, Jax, we haven’t been the best at being honest about our feelings lately. Not with ourselves and not with each other. The only way out is through, so from here on out, for the rest of the day, you feel it, you say it. Same here. And who knows, maybe two mature, open, healthy men will come out the other side.”

In an attempt to bring levity to the situation, I may have rolled my eyes at AJ.

“I’ll start.” He sat tall and smirked a smile at me as he continued. “That yeah, right look of yours is …” He stumbled on the word but then braved through, “Adorable.”

My heart soared at the compliment, but I still felt the need to protect myself, so I responded with snark. “Not so easy, all this honesty, is it?”

I had been going for a joke, but his response floored me. “For you, it’s worth it. When you rolled your eyes at me, I wanted to storm over to you and kiss the snarky look right off your face. How have I not been kissing snarky looks off your face for five years, Jax?

“Now your turn!” he insisted. “What was the sad look for when I sat down?” He looked at me like he could figure out the answer by mapping the speckles in my eyes.

I took a deep breath and tried to remember that whatever else he was, AJ was my best friend, and I could trust him. I could be honest with him.

“You sat all the way over there. You hugged me”—I pointed in the direction we had been standing—”like you never wanted to let me go. Now you’re sitting all the way over there.”

“I’m sitting all the way over here because all I want to do is kiss you. But if we start that all up before we talk this out, I might not get out everything I want to say to you, and you might weird out on me again. And I won’t have it, Jackson. I won’t lose you again.”

I don’t know how long we stared at each other. I wanted to look away but I just couldn’t. I knew the ball was in my court. We gazed, and he waited, and eventually, I grabbed it and ran.

“I still can’t fathom that you want to be with me like that, AJ. You had my dick in your mouth and my cum on your hands, for fuck’s sake. I’ve been contemplating being with a man for a year, and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I can't convince myself that … I can’t allow myself to believe that you really want to have sex with me.”

He was quiet for a minute. “Okay. What else?”

“What else?”

“Yeah.” He clapped, then rubbed his hands. “Let’s get it all out on the table. Make a list. Then we’ll tackle them.”

“A list?”

“If we’re doing this, we’re doing this.”

“You’re unbelievable, Aje.”

“Thank you. What’s next?”

“Next it’s your turn! You’d never been attracted to a guy before, and we had sex, AJ. It’s your turn to add to the list.”

“Okay,” he paused and thought. “Okay. “I wish my best friend had confided in me.”

“Yeah, that’s fair.” I agreed. He looked at me expectantly.

““My turn?” I assumed. He nodded.

“I can’t picture myself coming out. My parents are so disappointed in me already for quitting Dorso. We have this tenuous truce now that it’s clear that firefighting wasn’t a whim, and with all the turmoil I’m feeling about this, I need that truce right now. I don’t need a strained relationship with them to confound matters. They assume Emily and I are dating, and Emily and I may have done nothing to allay them of7 that notion. It’s like this fucking merger is as much about marrying the two of us off as it is about starting a new digital entertainment studio. I just can’t come out to them, Aje. Not right now.”

“I can’t imagine your parents are homophobic, Jax?”

“No, of course they’re not. A quick internet search of the types of charities and political campaigns they contribute to will tell you that. But it’s just another thing that will make me ‘the other’ in their circle, and God, the media will go crazy. I’ve managed to stay under the radar for so long, but I can’t expect that to last forever. And I don’t want that spotlight. I’ve never wanted it.”

“I …” AJ looked like he wanted to counter what I’d said but stopped himself. “I understand, I guess. You need to come out in your own time. I guess I never thought about you as a celebrity or whatever.”

“You know, since I’ve been hanging out with Emily, I worry about it so much more. One of these days, someone is going to recognize her, then recognize me. Then there won’t be a closet big enough to hide in. I’ve always just wanted a quiet life. And I’ve managed to have one since I moved to Brooklyn. I don’t want that to change. And my parents, once they know, there will be no avoiding the spotlight, because the two of them live in the fucking spotlight these days.” We were quiet, and I eventually remarked, “Your turn.”

“I … I want us to keep going, to be together for as long as you want. But I don’t want to complicate things for you.” AJ stood and walked to the bookcase along the wall behind me; I followed with my gaze as he stared blankly at a shelf, his finger running up and down the wood. “And I need you to know that I’m not hooking up with anyone else. I haven’t since before Thanksgiving, haven’t much at all this year, really. And I’m here for whatever you want.”

“To be my fuck buddy?” I asked his back from over the couch.

“If that’s what you want.”