Page 22 of Own Me

I sat down on the couch with her on my lap. Her trembling has subsided some, but she’s still crying and saying, ‘It wasn’t my fault,’ over and over again. The manila envelope sitting on the table in front of us is staring at me—I couldn’t find anyone to speak to after bumping into Shay, so I came here for a little while to calm down and go through the documents. There were pages in there that needed Shay’s signature, but there was something else. Something that would be incredibly important to her…if she wanted to read it.

Arin left her a letter. I didn’t read it because it felt like an invasion of her privacy. Even though she is my patient, I would not rob her of the chance to read it herself and hopefully heal from it. Now, I have a sinking feeling in my stomach that the letter may contain things that would hurt her instead.

“Shay…Shay sweetheart, what happened? What’s wrong?” I whispered in her ear. My lips pressed against her head, and I smelled her hair. She smells of vanilla—so warm and inviting. I loved burying my head in her neck and smelling her last night.

“I…I saw him!” She wails, the sound like daggers going through my heart. She means the lawyer.

“I’m sorry, Shay. I didn’t tell you he was coming because I wanted to protect you. I’m so sorry,” I say wholeheartedly. The last thing I wanted to do was this.

“No! You. Don’t. Understand.” She hiccups and chokes on her words. “I saw HIM! He’s in my dreams!”

Arin.

Of course. Jesus, how could I be so stupid? I never asked her how she was sleeping, or if she was dreaming of him. How could she not? Now the bastard is haunting her dreams to the point of causing a breakdown.

“He died…right in front of me. He—he was on the floor and stopped breathing. Just like when I found him.” She pulls her face away from my shoulder; her skin flushed. The hair around her face is stuck to her. “I—I saw him. He showed me what happened. I don’t know how…but it wasn’t my fault.” She steadies her words, and while the tears keep flowing down her cheeks, her breathing slows down.

Now it makes sense. No one here insinuated that he killed himself; I think deep down she always knew that, but somehow felt at fault for him being gone and angry that he left her alone. Her mind created the scenario to help her cope with the guilt and anger she felt towards him.

“It’s okay, baby girl, your mind is helping you heal. You’re right, it wasn’t your fault. He had a heart attack, and no one could have saved him, unfortunately. You did nothing wrong.”

Her beautiful eyes widened. “How did you know that?”

“His lawyer told me. It wasn’t suicide; it was a medical emergency. Did he ever tell you he had heart issues?”

Shay continues to calm down as she thinks. “No—he never told me anything like that. I remember one time during a session he had a hard time breathing—his skin was clammy and cold, but it passed.”

“I’m sorry. That sounds like he’s had heart issues in the past. It’s not your fault you didn’t know. He should have shared that with you.” I brush the hair off her face so that I can see her better. “Sharing something like that can be difficult, though. Especially for a man. It can show weakness when we always want to be strong and capable.” She nods her head in understanding.

“Shay. Can you be honest about something?”

“I’ve been honest about everything…” Her bottom lip trembles and her voice quivers.

“Were you and Arin married? Do you remember signing anything like a marriage license?” My heart pounds fast in my chest; I’m sure she can feel it too.

“What? No! I told you that already!” Her voice is a mix of anger and frustration. Instead of arguing with her, I lean forward and grab the envelope her lawyer left with me. It has all the information, and it’s now or never. She already knows I met with him, so there’s no sense in hiding this information. She is in the safest place to receive and process all of this.

“This is what your lawyer gave me. I wanted to wait for a better time to show you everything, but I know you can handle what is in this.” I laid it down on her lap, and she glared at it. Her mouth was open, but nothing came out. “Would you like me to give you some time alone?”

“Can you stay, please? I don’t want to be alone right now.”

“I can stay, Shay. I’ll do whatever you want.” Her arms wrap around my neck, and she rests her head on my shoulder. I bring her close to me and hold her tight.

“Thank you, Daddy,” she whispered, and my heart skipped a beat. Hearing her call me that made me feel something I haven’t felt in a long time.

Wanted.

Needed.

Loved.

Chapter Sixteen

SHAY

Arin and I were married, but I never knew.

I never agreed to be his wife—he took away my voice in such a way that frightened me—even now. From the very beginning of our arrangement, I agreed to be his submissive, but never his wife. We spoke about it a few times, and his response was always lackluster. He insisted he never wanted to get married, and that our arrangement was enough for him. I accepted it and didn’t push the subject.