Page 23 of Own Me

After so many years, I eventually believed I wasn’t good enough to be his wife. Or anyone’s wife. He broke me down repeatedly by telling me subtly that I wasn’t good enough for him or anyone else. I went through all the paperwork with Rayne yesterday; it took us hours to go through everything. So many properties, businesses, and money I did not know about.

I know why he married me on paper—it was to protect his assets. If he really cared about me, he would have told me about everything. Not left so much for me to handle that I’m incredibly overwhelmed and don’t know what to do with all of this. How am I supposed to run a company? Take care of multiple properties in different countries? Fuck, I don’t even know where the hell my passport is!

I’m tired and unsure of what to do now. Then there’s the letter that was left neatly folded at the end—in Arin’s handwriting. That I couldn’t read yesterday. I don’t know if I ever want to, so I tucked it away in my journal. It doesn’t matter what he has to say now; unfortunately, I’m left cleaning up his messes that are now my life. Now I will never be able to escape him.

That’s the real reason he left everything to me. He wanted to ensure I would never be rid of him, no matter what happened. Last night Rayne and I slept in the therapy room together. We were both so exhausted from talking and trying to make plans for the future that we didn’t leave. It was nice to have someone to talk to about everything. I can trust him, and now I understand why he looked so upset when I bumped into him in the morning.

He thought I was holding a secret from him, but I never had one. I’ve been honest with him from day one, even when I wasn't sure if I could trust him. He showed me he was worthy of my trust, and more. We have little time left together, and instead of wasting it worrying about what mess Arin left for me, I want to spend it learning more from Rayne before I have to leave.

I think now the harder part will be having to leave him behind—I can’t ask him to leave with me. This is his work, and he’s so good at it. I know he will help so many other people like me here, so it would be cruel to ask him to run away with me. I’ll miss his beautiful smile, the way he observes everything I do, and his touch the most. Life is cruel that way.

This morning he told me he wanted to go for a walk—he always knows the right things to say. I’m heading downstairs to have some breakfast alone when I run into Colin. I haven’t seen him since the day Rayne saw us eating together and stormed off.

“Hey there, stranger!” He calls out from the empty table he’s sitting at. I wave and get in line to grab some food. My appetite is coming back stronger each day—I enjoy having the choice to choose what I want to eat every day. It’s liberating, and I look forward to cooking for myself again.

“Hey Colin,” I sit down across from him, and I notice he looks tired. There are dark circles under his eyes; he’s eating slowly—more like pushing his food around on his plate instead of eating. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah—just tired. I can’t sleep here. It’s too quiet,” he shrugs. I’m so used to quiet places that I hadn’t really noticed.

“I’m sorry, Colin. I can understand how uncomfortable it can be to be somewhere you’re not familiar with. Is your therapy going ok?” I have no idea who he’s paired up with; I’ve never seen him with anyone else, and he’s always sitting alone. My chest tightens realizing that he was me when I first arrived. Scared. Alone. Unsure.

“It’s going ok. I just don’t feel like it’s helping yet.”

”It’ll work. Trust me—I felt the same way when I first got here and started therapy. They know what they’re doing here, and if you open up and trust them, you’ll feel better.”

“Thanks, Shay.” He reaches over and squeezes my hand while I smile back at him. If I had met him when I first got here, I wouldn’t have anything good to say or know how to reassure him. I’m almost surprised at how much I’ve grown in just the few weeks I’ve been here.

We talk a bit more while we eat—conversation with strangers is becoming easier and more natural. I’m not afraid to look around and make eye contact with others around me. Things that used to terrify me don’t anymore. I’m growing. Learning.

I can’t stop smiling while we’re outside. The sun, flowers, and fresh breeze all make my heart sing. I almost feel like skipping down the path we’re walking on, and the thought makes me giggle.

“What’s so funny?” Rayne asks with a smile on his face.

“I just feel happy. That’s all.”

“Even after everything yesterday?”

“I’m not going to worry about any of that right now.” I shrug. Fuck Arin and the responsibilities he left me. Then I remembered something: the letter he left for me.

“I’ll be right back!” I jog over to the building and go to my room to retrieve the letter. When I got back outside, Rayne was in the same place waiting for me with a quizzical look on his face.

“Read it,” I hand over the letter to Rayne.

“Shay, it’s not for me to read. He wrote that for you.”

“I don’t want to know what he wrote, but I also don’t want it to go unread. Please read it and get rid of it.” I plead.

He takes the letter, folds it in half, and puts it in the back pocket of his jeans. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. When I get out of here, I want to get rid of everything he left for me, and move on with my life without seeing him at every turn. That part of my life is over—it’s time for me to be free.

Chapter Seventeen

RAYNE

I’ve immediately noticed the change in Shay recently. It’s been over a week since we went over the papers the lawyer brought, but now we have a week left together. We’ve done several different trust exercises, role-playing scenarios, and lessons on choosing the right partner. She’s asked a lot of questions, and it gives me confidence that she won’t fall into the hands of someone who can abuse her again.

When I first met her, I was afraid she was too far gone to respond as well as she had. Learning the truth set her free and allowed her to grow in an amazing way. Even Tabitha has been impressed with her response to treatment. Now it’s time to start preparing her to leave—I found a good therapist that can continue treatment on a week-by-week basis, and scheduled their first session two weeks from now.

Shay is in a group session this morning. It’s focusing on adjusting to life outside of the institute and after treatment—it’ll be good for her to be with other patients that are leaving soon. I haven’t looked at the letter she gave me from Arin a week ago. It feels wrong to read it and for her to not know what he had to say. Will she regret giving the letter away? I think I would, but then again we’re two different people.