Page 89 of For I Have Sinned
I laugh, holding the sandwich up. “They do, but it’s nothing like this. Plus, I don’t leave much to explore. Only to go to the coffee shop that is down the street, but lately that has been sparse.”
“Seems like your work is consuming you if you don’t have time to enjoy yourself.” She pulls a potato chip out of the small bag and pops it into her mouth.
That’s the thing: I do have time to enjoy myself, just not by going out to explore the neighborhood. I spend my time exploring Celine. The thought of her entering my mind has me shifting in my seat.
How is it that I’ve only been gone for fourteen hours and I already miss her? I guess having her pop into my head is good, since she is the reason I booked this trip.
“I make time for myself,” I ease her worry. “But the reason I wanted to come visit was to talk to you.”
“Here I thought it was because you missed me,” she lightly jokes.
“I do miss you. That was the main reason, but there is something else, and I knew a phone call wouldn’t suffice.”
“What’s going on, Alex? Are you in trouble again?” My heart drops at her question and the way her expression becomes worried.
I hate that’s what she assumes. That I’ve fallen off the deep end again.
“No,” I reassure her. “I’m in no trouble, I promise.”
“Good.” Her body and face relax. “Tell me. What’s going on?”
“I know I made a vow to the priesthood, but… I don’t know—” I rub the back of my neck. “Lately, I’ve been second-guessing the lifestyle.”
“I see,” she says, resting back into the booth. “What made you have doubts?”
I roll my jaw and inhale a deep breath before I answer. “A woman.”
My mother’s eyes light up, and she pushes herself forward in her seat. “A woman?”
“She is a woman in the convent—a newer member.”
“And what is this woman’s name?” It’s funny how she is trying to hide her excitement over my meeting someone.
“Celine. You would honestly love her.” I grin. “She’s hardheaded, does whatever she wants.”
The light dims in her eyes. “She’s not trouble, is she?”
I silently laugh because yes, yes, she is. “Not in the way you are worried about. Being around her all the time has opened my eyes to life outside the convent, and I wonder if I made a mistake.”
“With joining?”
“Yeah. At the time, it felt like the right thing to do.” I swallow hard, praying no tears spill from my eyes as I begin to walk down memory lane. “After dad passed, and I was tangled up in all that shit, stumbling into that church was like a sign to get my life right. It’s what I needed at the moment, but now… I’m not sure if it’s how I want to continue to live my life.”
She is nodding slowly as she takes it all in. “The church presented itself to you at a time of need, and I am proud of the man you have become, Alex. I truly am. Your father would be, too.”
My throat tightens. “I just don’t want to disappoint either of you.”
Her hand reaches across the table, grabs mine, and squeezes it in comfort. “Oh, sweetheart, don’t think that way. No matter what you do, we would never be disappointed in you.”
“Even with the time in my life when I was a complete ass?”
Her eyes begin to gloss over. “That time of your life, I was disappointed with the choices you were making because I knew you were better than that. As much as I wanted to help you, I knew I couldn’t. You needed to want the help. I am thankful that you found the church when you did, because I was afraid that one day I would lose you, too. But no matter what you did, it never, ever, made me love you any less.”
The water builds up in my eyes, and I twist my mouth to stop myself from crying in public.
“What I am trying to say is that, if you decide to leave the church, I won’t be disappointed. All I want is for you to be happy, Alex.”
I blink multiple times, nodding before staring up at the ceiling. This is what I needed to hear. That no matter what I do, she will always be there for me. When I clear my eyes and look at my mom, there is a smirk playing on her lips.
