Page 11 of Catnapped

“Darlene tried telling me that, while sobbing her heart out. Some days, I think she’s too gentle for my many hells, but then she threatens to put my balls in a vice if I slack on torturing the latest fucking asshole to annoy her.”

Ouch. “She does not make idle threats.”

“No, she doesn’t.”

“Not to derail your absolutely fascinating discussion, but a police car has just arrived. Are you planning on staying for this part of things, Lucifer?” Darian regarded the Devil with a raised brow.

“Absolutely. I’ve found when I say they should investigate something, they should investigate, and it will limit the nonsense and petty bullshit significantly. After that, I will abuse my teleportation abilities so you can acquire everything you need for the next week. I recommend you pack enough for two weeks. I’m not very good at returning mortals to their appropriate places on time, and it’s not like your parents want you back anyway.”

Darian shrugged. “I’m not really sure what I did to deserve that this time, but the list of potential sins is long, and I’d rather not waste most of the night trying to figure it out. I’m sure they’ll miss me in a few days.”

“I wouldn’t hold your breath about that,” the Devil muttered. “Your fathers will corner your mother, I’m sure. And at that point, they won’t care about you at all until your fathers are satisfied there is a little one on the way. They might not even notice you for an entire month or two, giving me plenty of time to work with you.”

“I’m not seeing the problem with this. If you have any spare succubi willing to teach a young man how to properly care for a woman, I’m game. Let’s just say I’ve gotten that drilled into me by all three of my parents, and I don’t want to find out what sort of hell they’ll toss my way should I cross them on that one.”

I grinned at Darian’s admission he had no idea what he was doing while seeking solutions to his ignorance. I didn’t have to marry him—or have children—to rescue him from his virginity. Or mine, for that matter. Society was more likely to mock Darian for his virginity while valuing me for mine, something that never failed to annoy me. As hitting two birds with one stone appealed right along with meeting a man who actually cared about his partner’s satisfaction, I’d have to discuss the situation with him in private, after buying birth control, making sure to use it sufficiently, and purchasing condoms.

“I was more thinking you could educate yourself with the woman you’ll conveniently be spending several weeks with. Try asking her what she wants, and then use your ears to actually listen and try the things she says she wants. You’ll be fine. And you won’t learn any bad habits from a succubus that way. That said, it might be a good idea to recruit a few succubi for trainer programs for virgin men who actually give a shit about pleasing their woman. I’ll have Darlene take care of that.”

The Devil was a lot of things, but at least he was honest about his intentions. “You don’t need a succubus to teach you anything, Darian. I mean, succubi love virgins, as do incubi, but you don’t need some sex demon to teach you. Just find a consenting adult, use protection, and have a good time. Set your sex life on your terms, not theirs. And especially not on the Devil’s terms.”

“Hey,” Lucifer protested. “My terms are amazing.”

“Unless your terms involve temporary infertility and immunity from STDs, your terms are useless for this discussion.”

Darian snickered. “I see you’re not shy, Diana.”

I snorted at the thought of being shy when my job involved browbeating a bunch of divines, demons, devils, and other species into doing what I wanted to make the CDC’s life easier. The woman who’d been hired before me had been an introvert, and she’d lasted an entire month before having a mental breakdown. I gave her credit; she’d survived long enough to train me before enrolling in therapy, which the CDC provided to avoid a lawsuit. “I talk to the Devil at least two or three times a month. This is tame for him. And don’t get me started about the number of times I’ve been forced to go to a brothel because I needed to talk to a succubus or incubus and couldn’t get a hold of any of my contacts on the phone. I’m more concerned you, as the son of a triad finally allowed to leave home without supervision, might be overwhelmed by the vast quantity of sin now available for your enjoyment. Add in the fact the Devil is here, and that’s a recipe for disaster.”

A knock at my door brought the conversation to a halt, and I sighed. “Lucifer, I’ll give you an extra twenty minutes to your hour of advice I’m forced to listen to if you deal with the police in a fashion that gets them out of my hair in a hurry while meeting all of the insurance requirements, especially if they aren’t going to be useful for the investigation.”

“They won’t be useful for the investigation. Bargain made.” The Devil strode to the door. “Learn from her, Darian. That was a slick deal. It’s going to cost me an hour, during which she can pick through her belongings for the things of most importance to her, and all it’s costing her is twenty minutes of listening to me prattle about whatever I want.”

Darian waited for the Devil to step out of my home to speak to the police before asking, “I’m not sure how good I’d be at this, but would you like to be rescued, kidnapped, or otherwise taken away from this situation?”

“That must be your archangel of a father talking, as your devil of a father would have just gone straight to the kidnapping portion of the plan. I’m not sure what your mother would do, and honestly, I’m afraid to ask.”

“She would accidentally participate in a kidnapping, especially if she’s off her meds. She’d just grab you and go and then realize she’d kidnapped you several hours later.”

That sounded rather entertaining. “I need to rescue my cat first, but honestly? If it gets me out of listening to the Devil for an hour and twenty minutes, it wouldn’t be a kidnapping, as I would be a willing participant. Maybe it was a good bargain, but it’s still going to be hellish to pay come time for my appointment for life advice from the Devil.”

“Well, it seems like we have an hour. What can’t you live without for the next few weeks?”

“My cat,” I complained. “Beyond that, I’ll just buy new clothes, because the fuckers opted to ruin just about everything I own.” After a moment of thought, I said, “I guess I better find out if they fucked with my safe, my vital documentation, and the rest of my paperwork.”

“That might be wise. How would you like me to help?”

I pointed at my bedroom. “See if any of my panties survived.”

“My mother never warned me about the possibility of a woman telling me to go through her panties to find survivors.”

“Bonus points if you find any salvageable bras. Those things are not cheap.”

“And you’re really okay with me going through your clothes?”

“You’re saving me from facing that disaster again. I cried once over torn lace, and I refuse to do so again today. I’ll be in my office if anyone needs me. The Devil will be doing everybody a favor if nobody needs me.”

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