Page 63 of Experiments in Offline Dating

“Aye. It’s got a good grip. Turn around and put both hands around it. Do it now. Okay, now the other. Good.”

I did as instructed. Then I searched for some dryish, grippy places to put my feet, to sort of climb down like a ladder. But no. Dryish places did not exist in Ireland. Everything here was covered in shiny grass, or runny mud, or so much rain that you wanted to start collecting animals two by two.

“No. There’s nowhere for your feet. You could let go and slide down—but I’ll be honest, you’re likely to twist an ankle or cut yourself on the rock.”

“What are you saying?” I screamed, ass hanging over the edge. “I thought you had a plan!” I tried to climb back up to safety, to where I wasn’t doubled over and dangling.

“I do have a plan.”

“Well say it, dammit, before I lose my grip and plummet down ass-first.”

“That’s sort of my plan. Just lean back and let go.”

“What!”

“I’ve got you. I can catch you.”

“Fuck off! No way!” I tried again to scramble back up, but nothing doing. The rock was starting to cut into my hands, and as it turned out, despite all those smut-inspired self-love sessions, even my Olympic-grade tensile strength was starting to give way. “There’s got to be another way!”

“There’s not. You’ve got this. Just lean back, let go, and kick off with your feet.”

I laughed, but it was an unhinged, nervous thing—the last sound one made before they went swimming with crocodiles or signed up for speed dating.

“I promise I’ve got you. It’s not as far as it looks. Let go.”

“I’m going to break my ass, and then emergency services are going to have to airlift me out of here.”

“I would never let anything happen to that ass of yours. I’ve spent so much quality time with it, waiting for you to squeeze into the backseat.”

I laughed. I couldn’t help it. My arms were shaking now. But this somehow made me feel better. “Shit. You goddamn fucking tyrant. I’m going to do it! I can’t believe you did this to me.”

“You did this. Now let go.”

“Don’t correct me when I’m about to die! You ready?”

“Yes! Just do it!”

“Okay, one, two, three!”

And then I was falling. I was going to die before I’d even tasted the cake. But he caught me in his arms like I was Buttercup jumping from the tower in a flowing blue dress and he was Andre the Giant. He looked down at me with a crooked smirk. All the wind was knocked out of me. For a second, I couldn’t breathe. I looked up into his eyes, dizzy. He was so close. But there was nothing to be afraid of. I was safe and in his arms. Again.

I gasped a huge, gulping breath.

“Took your breath away, did I?”

“No.”

“I told you I’d catch you. When are you going to start listening to me?”

“Never.”

He let me down and I shook off that clinging, velvety feeling.

It wasn’t far to the cave from there. We waded through a bit where the ocean water came up to our shins, but Bill had prepared us for that, so we splashed across in our already wet hiking boots. Though the rain had slowed, we were soaked, so we hardly noticed.

Then we curved around the shoreline and found it. The huge mouth of the cave, with a small stream running right through it, bubbling into the sea.

“Wow. I didn’t know a cave could be so pretty.” I took my phone out of its Ziploc and risked the drizzle to snap a couple quick photos before we walked in.