Page 62 of Experiments in Offline Dating

“Illegally. Make it down this path, take a right and then a left, crawl down some rocks—”

“Which will likely be steep and dangerous.”

“Which will likely be steep and dangerous. Splash through a little bit of water, crawl over whatever this is, and then the cave should be right here. Then we go in, take some pictures and stuff ourselves with cake, and come back. Total cinch!”

“This is really fecking stupid, you know that, right?”

“We’ll be back in no time.” I smiled a toothy grin that I knew would nettle him.

“And if I refuse to go?”

“Well, that’s okay too. I can go, and you can stay here and keep Finn from devouring the local village whole like Godzilla. I’ll be quick. I’m not going to save you any cake, though—just so we’re clear.”

“And you would go on your own? Without enough sense to even worry?”

“Yeah. I would. My listeners are going to want to see it. And I want to see it! And I don’t want to have to defend myself against a rampaging Simone when she finds out that I could have gone and skipped it. So, yeah. Orla and Bill go, and they’re in their seventies. Whereas I am extremely strong and athletic, to an almost Lara Croft degree. And you don’t have to come. But it’s going to be great. So you should probably come.”

“Nobody—and I mean this—nobody on the planet is more aggravating than you are.”

“Aww. I didn’t know you cared.” I smiled, and he frowned harder. “You in or out, Mr. Big Stuff?” The glower that earned me sent Pop Rocks through my bloodstream.

“Fine, you mad cow. Only because if you died today, I’d never see the color of Mrs. Keilty’s ram.”

OKAY, SO IT turned out that lovely Orla and Bill, with their adorable bickering, heavenly mashed potatoes, and warm hugs, were dirty, dirty liars.

The path was decidedly longer and harder than they’d made it out to be. Some parts of the trail were hard to find, some had been trampled into a muddy stew by sheep hooves, and the bit where we had to go down some rocks was downright perilous.

The rain started about three-quarters of the way down. It was cold, each icy little bastard raindrop biting into my face and hands and getting into my eyes. It made the path slippery and harder to follow. Within minutes, it had gone from blustery sunny skies to pouring down with a vengeance.

“So this was your bright idea, was it?”

“Yes. This is exactly what I had in mind. Isn’t this Irish weather beautiful?”

“Are you going to admit I was right?”

“It’s doubtful. Ask again tomorrow, if we’re still alive.”

Tadhg held on to the sharp angle of a rock with both hands and slid down like goddamn Tarzan. He did this probably to make the point that I couldn’t, but also because walking down this wet, steep rock would likely result in some broken bits—teeth, tibia, will to live, who knew.

“You’re going to need some help with that.” He said this so matter-of-factly. How dare he mansplain my own ineptitude to me.

“No, I’ve totally got this. I’ll just . . .” I tried to grab on to the rock and just . . . you know . . . swing on down like he had, because why couldn’t I be a secret fucking gladiator? But then my eyes strayed to the drop, and I nearly vomited into the wind and then curled up and died in humiliation next to my backpack filled with cake.

“Maya.” His voice this time was stern. Steelier than usual. I couldn’t have imagined such a thing was possible, would have sworn that the steeliness I had witnessed so far had reached the very boundaries of human irritation, but no. “You’re going to need help.”

“Yeah. Okay. Yes. I’m going to need help. Right now, please. Thank you.”

“Okay. First, throw me your backpack.”

“But the cake’s in there!”

“Great. Let’s go back, then.”

I sighed and tossed it down to him.

“Right. Now, you see that rock there?”

“This one?”