Page 109 of Twisted Knight

But she didn’t.

And as she warmed up to using it again, to living again, I grew cold inside. Cold with a promise I’m now here to follow through with.

“It has been warm, yes. I’m your mother. Do you think I don’t know when you’re changing the subject?”

“That’s why I wasn’t being subtle.”

“Yes is the answer to your question. It’s gotten considerably warmer. I’ve had to put shade over some of my roses to protect them from getting burned. Tank won’t stay out of the damn pool and his fur keeps clogging up the skimmer.” She acts annoyed but I can hear the love in her voice.

“And Graham is good?” I ask of her husband. A good guy all around who treats her how she deserves to be treated and makes her smile even more.

“He’s wonderful. He’s at the museum today. A lot of field trips before school gets out.” She chuckles. “Such is the life of a volunteer art docent, right?”

“Too many kids,” I mutter.

“Says the man who was the best big brother in the world.” Her voice grows softer with each word, and when the entire sentence is out, we both fall silent as memories collide with the pain that’s buried just below the surface.

I clear my throat in response and focus on the hummingbird that’s hovering near the hood of my SUV.

“Have you been to see him yet?”

I close my eyes for a beat and try to find my voice. “Not yet. I’ve driven past numerous times, but it’s almost easier to keep going than to stop.”

“You’ll go when the time is right. If you want to go at all. It’s also okay not to.”

“I know. I just … I don’t know.”

It’s not like I don’t know that Mason is buried beneath the slab of stone. It’s not like I’ve ignored it for all these years and I’m just realizing he’s dead. But there’s something about being back here as an adult, as a man who has accomplished everything but still failed at keeping him safe, that makes it harder than hell to see him like that.

To know that one decision, one exception to the rule, one selfish moment, changed our lives forever.

For the worse.

And no matter how much I accomplish or how much money I have, nothing will ever bring him back.

There are no amends to be made.

No second chances.

There’s just fate’s cruel hand and a guilt that has rested on my shoulders for what feels like a lifetime.

“Being back there was bound to churn stuff up, honey. I just wish I was there to help you.”

“Thanks. I’m fine. Really.”

“Mm-hmm,” she murmurs in that way of hers that tells me she doesn’t exactly believe me. “You’re always fine, Hold. It’s okay not to be.”

“Yep.” I run a hand through my hair. “Look, I have to go. A meeting.”

“Of course. There’s always a meeting when things get too real.”

“Mmm. I know. It’s easier that way.”

“To avoid talking about it? Yes. But … at some point, you have to forgive yourself.”

“Gotta go,” I say with a laugh that follows. A laugh she can see through.

Her silence tells me she knows I’m lying. “Take care of yourself.”