Page 27 of Rush

sam

. . .

The rest of the week crawls by and I’m convinced it’s because fate knew I was looking forward to this date. What keeps me sane is knowing that Jameson is looking forward to it too. We’ve talked every day and not just because of Dylan. While she is the center of most conversations, the morning after our family outing, I woke up to a surprise ‘good morning, beautiful’ text from him and every day after has been much the same. Now we’re even talking before bedtime too. I forgot how much I missed hearing him tell me good night or wishing me sweet dreams. I can’t believe I’ve gone this long without hearing his laugh. The pain of that truth threatens to ruin my good mood, but I push it down.

“Wipe that frown off your face, girlie,” Emma jokes, coming out of my closet and holding a black, long-sleeve, wrap top that I haven’t worn yet.

“That’s cute,” Riley says from where she’s standing next to my bed, a heeled boot in one hand and a wedged heel in the other. “With dark jeans….”

“The boot,” Isla answers her from the floor near my vanity table where Dylan is sitting in her lap and putting her toy makeup on Isla’s face.

I mentally put together an image of the outfit they’ve chosen and instantly like it. Jameson hasn’t said where we’re going tonight or what the plan is. I want to look nice but not overly dressy. “I like it!”

“I can’t believe this is really happening,” Emma mutters while tossing the shirt on the bed. “I’m so freaking happy for you.”

“Nothing is happening yet,” I tell her, trying to remind myself of the same fact before I blow this night up into something it may not be. “We’re going on a date. Maybe we’ll find we aren’t those two kids from high school anymore. Maybe this will lead to nothing.”

Riley snorts and shakes her head at me. “Kane is consumed by you, Sam. You’re all he’s ever seen, and it's still the same now just as it was back then. The second you’re in the same space he orbits, his eyes never leave you.”

I want to believe her. I want everything my friends are predicting tonight to be true, but I can’t ignore the little pit of fear in my stomach. “We had a really heavy conversation the other day. There’s a good chance that he has changed his mind after. This could turn into a respectful dinner about how we coparent from here on out.”

Emma drops on the bed in front of me and takes my face between her hands. “Stop. It’s okay to be a little scared but don’t talk yourself out of how good this could be. If he didn’t want to take you on a date, he wouldn’t have asked.”

“What if it's because of Dylan? What if he wants more time with her or he wants things finalized through the courts now that she’s older. I have moved her all over the place,” I continue rambling, panic hitting me hard now. Riley sits behind me and wraps her arms around me.

“Sammy, stop. Please don’t hurt yourself like this,” she whispers against my back.

We all go quiet, except for my little girl who is still creating a makeover masterpiece on Isla. Without looking our way, Isla sighs.

“If it would help, I can look into his emails and contacts. If there is anything pertaining to a lawyer, I can find out.”

There's a beat of silence and then a giggle escapes my lips. I turn to my new friend, completely intrigued and in awe of her. “Is that really in your skill set?”

Isla blushes and shrugs her slim shoulders. “I mean it's not like it's hard.”

This time we all start laughing. “You are a gem, Isla. If I need intel I’m coming to you first, always. But Riley is right. I’m panicking over nothing. Jameson wouldn’t hurt me like that.”

“Isla is amazing because she uses her powers for good,” Riley agrees as she gets to her feet and moves to stand in front of me, next to a sitting Emma. There is no fooling Emma. I know she can still see the worry and pain deep inside me with just one look.

“Sammy, I love you and I will always have your back, which is why when I say this, I say it with love. But fuck your mom. What she said was out of line. What she did wasn’t ok.”

Jameson’s comment about how he listened to our parents when I had told him I was pregnant bothered me the rest of the day. All I could remember during that time was him agreeing to whatever I wanted. My mom had not been happy with either of us, and when I told her I decided to keep the baby, my aunt had to intervene. I moved to Indiana with my aunt and lived with her once Dylan was born. During my pregnancy, my mom wasn’t an active participant, and she was very critical of Jameson. She was always in my ear telling me he’d leave eventually, that he would resent me for keeping her. Anytime he was almost late to an appointment because of work or if he brought something for me that I was craving, usually sugar, she would come down hard on him and say that he was making me unhealthy. At the time, I thought she was just being over protective, not wanting me to end up a single mother when she knew firsthand how difficult it was, and maybe she knew better about the kind of diet I should have. Now, I am questioning everything. Jameson was adamant that he wanted Dylan and me back then. If I hadn’t been worried so much about the seeds of doubt my mom was planting, I don’t know if I would have pushed him away. I can see it now that I was trying to protect myself, even though he never gave me a reason to doubt him. Which is why I called her the day after our family hang out, needing some clarity.

“Mom, did you say something to Jameson when I got pregnant?”

“What? What kind of question is that? I said a lot to him. The boy needed to understand how life was going to change.” She sighs dramatically into the phone. I can hear her making dinner in the background at home, and I instantly miss Allie.

“We both knew life was going to change,” I say, trying to tiptoe my way into a conversation.

My mom snorts and the sound brings me back to being eighteen and hearing her do that anytime she thought I was making a stupid decision. “Sam, a baby is more than life-changing. Look at you both now. Your college dream was ruined. You get to play hockey but have zero time to actually enjoy college. And look at Jameson. He’s working for his dad at the auto shop, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but he basically let himself go. He doesn’t have any goals or dreams for himself; he isn’t working to improve himself and only parents half the time. The guy barely made it to the birth of his daughter.”

I swallow down her disappointment in me, but I feel protective of Jameson. “He was late because you waited until the last minute to call him, Mom,” I remind her. She falls silent and I can hear her shuffling around her kitchen, slamming cabinet doors closed.

“The past already happened, Sam. What do you want me to say? Yes, when you said you were keeping the baby, I told Jameson his only job was to do whatever you wanted. He had already done enough by ruining your life.”

My eyes slam closed at the way she tears down Jameson with such a cold tone. Not that it was the first time. The minute we started dating, she became cold toward him. When I told her I was in love for the first time, she didn’t talk to me for a month. My aunt did her best to close the gap between my mom’s and my relationship after Dylan was born, but she never saw eye-to-eye with her sister either. The fact that Jameson has lived with this for the past two years makes my heart hurt for him. The fact that I had no idea and basically pushed him out of my life because I thought he didn’t want to be there, or that I was ruining his life, absolutely kills me.

“He didn’t ruin my life. The pregnancy was an accident, but Dylan is the best thing that has ever happened to both of us.”