Page 119 of End Game

I nod. “He likes you,” I say again.

His smile fades. “I want to be your friend. It’s important to me that we are friends.”

“Agreed.” I mimic him.

“I would never do anything to hurt you,” he says quietly.

“I know.”

“But if you don’t feel the same way… if you’re not interested in the things I want…”

I sigh. “I just don’t think I have the capacity right now. And you deserve someone who would devote their time to you.”

“I don’t want you to devote time,” he says. “I want you to feel the same way about me.”

“I haven’t given it much thought,” I admit. “You were always so…”

“So what?”

“Off limits.”

I laugh, a little self-consciously. We’re standing in the middle of the coffee shop. Awkwardly I gesture to the table, and I sink into the seat that Johanna vacated. Barrett sits, too, and wraps his hands around his mug of coffee.

“You’re my best friend. I always thought…” I sigh, shaking my head. “When we were in high school, I had the biggest crush on you. I thought something might happen. But you never said anything…”

“I was scared,” he says. “I didn’t want to lose you.”

“And now?”

He chuckles, a little sadly. “I’m fucking terrified. But I can’t keep living with the fear. I love you. That’s not about to change any time soon, even if you don’t feel the same way about me.”

I chew my lip. Barrett is hot. He’s gorgeous. And he’s fun and he’s funny and he makes me laugh. He knows all the right things to say to get me out of my head or cheer me up if I’m in a foul mood, and he knows when to give me space and when I need to not be alone. He knows me.

He’s in love with me.

And I…

It would be so easy to fall for him. I’m halfway there, if I admit it to myself. I adore him, and I’m attracted to him, and I enjoy being around him. I feel bereft when he’s not beside me.

But dating? A relationship?

That’s… a lot.

Is it, though? Isn’t it literally the same thing we’re already doing, plus the sex which we both enjoyed? My parents have a great relationship—we wouldn’t end up like his, because we’re starting out with feelings being involved.

I wasn’t abused. I wasn’t the product of divorce. I wasn’t traumatized. I had a freaking idyllic childhood. There’s no reason to be afraid.

But taking that step now…

“I don’t want us to fall into something because it’s easy. If we were to date, I would want it to be real,” I tell him. “I want to do it for the right reasons.”

“Agreed.”

I swallow. “And right now…”

He sighs. “Yeah. It’s not the right time.”

“When we were fifteen or sixteen wasn’t the right time, either. Looking back, I don’t think it would have worked out,” I admit. “We would have gotten way too serious, way too fast, and I would have given up USC to stay here with you. And there’s no guarantee we would have stayed together all these years. So many high school relationships don’t last.”