Page 120 of End Game

“I know.”

“A lot of college relationships don’t last.”

“I know.” Barrett takes a deep breath. “Which is why I’m not pressuring you into anything you aren’t ready for.”

I wish I didn’t know. I wish I hadn’t pressed him. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to carry the weight of this decision on my shoulders. He likes me. He loves me. He wants a relationship with me.

And I… am struggling. I don’t know how to deal with this. There isn’t a book on how to navigate romantic feelings for best friends. Maybe I should ask Wes. I’m sure he would know. He may not have any practical experience, but I’m sure he’s read enough about it.

“Is there a… trial period?”

He quirks a small smile. “Like a thirty day free trial?”

“Yeah. Can we… is there a way we… try?”

“That’s dating.”

“I know.”

“You want to date me?”

“I don’t not want to date you.”

He frowns.

“I don’t know what I want.”

“Okay.”

I take a deep breath. “That’s a lie,” I admit. “I know what I want. What I don’t know is if I’m capable of what I want.”

He swallows. “And what is it that you want?”

“I want to love, and to be loved in return.”

“I would. I do. I—”

“But I don’t know that I have the capability to give you what you deserve.”

“Oh.”

“So as much as I want to… I don’t want to hurt you more.”

Barrett licks his lips. “I don’t want either of us to get hurt.”

“Me, either.”

“So where does that leave us?”

“I don’t know,” I admit. “I just don’t know.”

My walk home is quiet. I’m absorbed in my thoughts. I need some time to process everything. Barrett likes me. Barrett loves me. Barrett has feelings for me. By the time I get back to the soccer house, I have no idea how I feel anymore. I’m just a little bit numb, and it has nothing to do with the cold weather and the chill in the air.

Is this why he’s always holding my hand and kissing my cheek? Is this why he’s suddenly so eager to share a bed for slumber parties? Is this the only reason why he’s friends with me?

No. I can’t think like that. I can’t psychoanalyze every single action and interaction with my best friend of fourteen years. I have to trust that Barrett’s intentions are pure and rooted in friendship, even if he harbors desires for me.

My roommates are all downstairs when I get in, which is not unusual. It’s not out of the ordinary for Johanna and the minions to monopolize the TV, but typically Coach Larsen doesn’t make house calls.