Page 45 of How We Began

28th December

I’ve not heard from him. Should I text or just leave it? We did have amazing, sweet while at the same time mind-blowing sex. But then, we didn’t make any promises to each other, so we technically aren’t obligated to be in contact.

God, why is this all so complicated?

29th December

Still nothing.

I’m trying to ignore how incredibly disappointed I am. I wonder what he is doing?

I going to get ready to get back to uni. I meant what I said to Ben on Christmas night. It’s time I started to understand myself, and that begins with no longer running away. Now I’m going to run back, and try again.

I don’t think anyone ever put any limits on how many times you can start over. And I’m a rule breaker so it seems I wouldn’t listen anyway.

31st December

I’m back in the dorm. It feels kind of good. There’s no one else here. This time I really am by myself, and do you know what? That feels good, too.

It’s New Year's Eve, and I’m spending it by myself writing my list of New Year’s Resolutions.

It goes something like this:

I will no longer be a lush.

I will no longer smoke cigarettes in the hope I bump into beautiful men outside the dorm.

I will go to the gym.

I will embrace my studies.

I will pay attention in class and not concentrate on the conversations behind me.

I will learn not to be jealous of girls skinnier and blonder than me. Instead I shall learn to embrace who I am.

I will learn to let go.

All looking good and highly achievable, the last one is the most important. I need to learn to let go of my insecurities the hang ups I’ve created following all the plans other people have created for me. I need to find out who I actually am.

Ten days until the essay deadlines. I can do it. I know I can.

PART FIVE

January

1st January

It’s New Year's Day and for the first time in my adult life, I don’t have a hangover.

I’ve woken to a text from Ben sent bang on midnight.

Ben: Happy New Year, Lilah. XX

I was sound asleep when it arrived. Asleep and sober. I mean seriously, I think I’m growing as a person. I just responded with,

Me: Happy New Year, Ben. XX

Sure I had a brief moment where I considered embarking on a text convo, but then I remembered I’m supposed to be spending time by myself and learning who I am. Texting Ben isn’t conducive to this plan so I have maturely switched my phone off to prevent any temptation.