Page 44 of How We Began

“Can I grab the couch?” he asked, fiddling with stem of his wine glass.

I knew it was one of those moment. One of those life changing moments where you can spin your life like a plate on a stick and hope it stays balanced. Or you can spin it and know it might fall, but take the chance anyway.

I stared at him for a moment longer, hesitating. “Nah. It’s cool. You can share with me.”

I avoided eye contact as I pushed away from the table and wobbled to my feet. Those mince pies were a definite mistake. He silently got up and followed me to my room.

I stripped down to my underwear, trying to ignore the flash of blue watching me or the tightening in the pit of my stomach in response, and dove under the duvet. He took off his shirt and jeans leaving just a T-shirt and boxers. Then he lay down next to me on top of the duvet and I couldn’t breathe because the ache inside of me was so intense, so all-consuming and powerful that it would demolish me from the inside out.

“You can come under, if you want.”

He didn’t hesitate, diving under the duvet, sliding himself alongside me. Every bit of my skin that touched his sung as I let myself relax next to him and we settled into silence, hiding in the dark of the bedroom.

“I don’t know how to move on from this. From us,” he whispered and kissed the back of my neck on the sensitive spot he knows that I have there. I should have stopped him, but I didn’t.

“I don’t know either,” I whispered back.

I closed my eyes to say the next bit. “I don’t know how to be with you now.” He tensed next to me but I continued. “But I also don’t know how to be without you.”

He relaxed a little as I turned to face him.

“I’ll do whatever it takes to make you want to be with me,” he replied, kissing the tip of my nose.

Later I woke to him softly calling my name, “Lilah. Are you awake?”

“Mmm.”

“The band's been asked to go to the States during the summer to work in LA. We’ve been offered a record deal with a label.”

“Oh.”

“I don’t know what to say,” he whispered.

“I don’t know what to say either.”

And ain’t that the truth of it?

I tried to sleep on what he’d said, but it just kept spinning, like my life still balancing on that plate. So I did the only thing I could. “Ben, are you awake?”

“Mmm.”

“I think you should go.”

“What, now?”

“No. To the States.”

His fingers, which were absently trailing up my spine, hesitated. I didn’t know what else to say, so I didn’t bother. The ache inside of me for him was never going to go away, so instead, I moved myself a little closer to him and brushed my lips over his.

“You know, you’ve got things you need to do, and I’ve got things I need to do. If this is meant to be, then it will happen in the end.”

I kissed him again. This time he slid his arms around me and rolled me over so I settled underneath him. My body burned with fire knowing it had what it wanted. Which was him was touching me. But I still needed him to be just a little closer.

“What do you have to do, Lilah?” He whispered the words against my mouth.

“I need to learn who I am, Ben. I can’t keep diving from one thing to the next, I’ll never find peace that way,” I responded, circling my arms around his neck.

I know I need to do some stuff for me. I need to let go of my issues and insecurities, but, in that moment, I also knew I needed him first.