Page 38 of How We Began

Friends is better than no Ben at all.

He didn’t reply

26th November

Lectures were slightly better today. Well, I managed to make it through the day without:

— Consuming Alcohol

— Crying

— Smacking that Barbie bitch with her plastic fanny in the gob for ruining everything.

Even though he hasn’t answered my text from yesterday, I managed a smile at Ben. He seemed relieved as he smiled tentatively back at me. The blues crinkled ever so slightly and I tried desperately hard to ignore how it made my stomach flip. If I am going to get through this and be a stronger, more grown-up person for it, then I need to not melt into a puddle every time he looks at me.

I am however back to staring at the floor and stirring my coffee in the café like I did at the start of term. I’ve successfully gone full circle. Go me.

PART FOUR

December

7th December

End of Term!!

Somehow, I’ve managed to make it through my first term of university. I deserve a medal, well I deserve something, but I’m not sure they give out medals for being total loser headcases.

I’ve been trying very hard to be normal around Ben, but it is taking all of my strength and determination. I am half-inclined to ignore him. But then the other half of me wants to throw myself at him, and beg him to take me (and my crazy jealous tendencies) back.

I can feel him watching me all the time. I catch the odd flash of blue as I turn in class. It feels like the weight of a million glances on my shoulders, burning into my back. We’ve not spoken to each other out of class. There’s been no trips to the library, nor to the bar, and I still haven’t been back to the dorm. Every time I think I may be ready, I visualise a scant of black lace.

I’ve also been dramatically sober since my birthday. No one is more surprised about that than me. But landing on my head in a packed restaurant and being escorted from the premises was a bit of a wake-up call, even by Lilah McCannon’s standards.

Everyone is leaving for Christmas today and tomorrow. Meredith and Ben are going this afternoon (obviously I eavesdropped this information). I’ll be spending Christmas by myself at the flat. I don’t want to see the oldies and they don’t want to see me, which is fine. I’ll just be able to work on my essays in peace and quiet.

Turkey for one, please.

10th December

It’s been one month since the debacle from which my eyes will never recover. Now I’ve had time to process, I’m finding the strength of my reaction to the whole crisis a little weird.

It’s not normal, is it? To fall apart like that? It makes me think that perhaps what Ben and I had wasn’t that normal either.

Tristan is moping. Meredith has gone home to face her parents. I think she is going to tell them about Tristan and admit to them how much older he is. That’s one conversation I’m glad I don’t have to witness. It’s weird, but I just completely get them as a couple. Can’t lie, I was concerned. Tristan and I haven’t got on for so long (well, never actually). I’d forgotten that he could actually be quite a caring and considerate person. But Meredith saw this straight away when she met him. She knew he was a catch.

Once I got over the ick factor of having my new friend and brother exchanging bodily fluids, I’m kind of seeing them as a serious thing. Have to be honest though, I can’t wait for Mum and Dad to find out. “Daddy, it’s the girl with the nose ring…” I can hear Mum now.

The Boy Wonder and I have been milling about the flat together, which is very strange. Even when I lived here before uni, we never used to see each other this much. It was never a joint home. Our keys just happened to open the door of the same flat. Now it is all things like, “Lilah, what movie do you want to watch?” or “Shall I order Indian or Chinese?” or “Jesus Christ, Tristan, could you open a bloody window in the bathroom?”

He was moping so much today we ended up going shopping. I went to the bank and pulled a wad of cash out of my savings account, which we blew big style. It’s officially a lie though that shopping makes you happy. It just makes you feel empty and hollow, but with lots of bags and packages to unpack. He did buy Meredith a lovely Christmas present: a pair or stunning emerald earrings that match the colour of her eyes perfectly. I got a bit emotional when he was buying them. It seems that anyone having a happy ending is a bitter pill to swallow, even if my brother and my best friend are the ones having it.

11th December

Mum rang. Not to speak to me, obviously.

Tristan’s presence has been requested for family Christmas. Not mine. I laughed in the background while Tristan sat on the phone “yes'ing” and “no'ing” in the right places as Mum chewed his ear off, from his whispered responses I’m guessing it was about me—the black sheep.

Sometimes it’s actually good to be in the doghouse.