Page 106 of Tears of Gold

And I can’t stop him.

It works its way free like all secrets finally do. I cry before the words are even free from his lips. Please don’t. Please don’t.

“I guess this time I won’t have to drag you bleeding and unconscious from a bath.”

I shake my head, my tears flying everywhere. “No.”

“Figured.” He steps closer and then drops the picture on the bed. “I need to let you go, Faith. Don’t contact me, don’t come for me, don’t try to help me.” His shoulders lift high and then fall and using the back of his hands he wipes at his tears. “Leave me to live my own life.”

“Dan.” I want to stop him, want to hold him back, tell him not to leave me, tell him to keep saving me. But I know I can’t.

As he walks for the door echoing footsteps from the past thud in my head. Back in a time when I was lost in darkness and my body had betrayed me one time too many.

I fall to the floor, a loud sob ripping from my throat.

I never want to get up. Never want to think, never want to remember. Now the whole world knows what happened to me. Eli’s name will be forever marred by my sordid past and my body will have betrayed us all one time too many.

There is nothing for me apart from dust and shadows and the screaming echoes of a time long ago when I should have spoken but never did.

“Faith?” The hands I know too well lift me. The hands I trust.

“Eli. I’m going to ruin everything.”

I can’t look at his face, I can’t face the understanding that I know I will see dawning in his eyes. “What did he mean?”

He knows though. I can hear it.

I lift my eyes to his. Somehow behind my veil of tears I know the blues will be hardening, fleeing from me.

“What did he mean?” Harder, firmer, demanding.

“Not all firsts are yours.” I crumple in his hold. The dark secret is finally out. “I was pregnant before.”

Eli rocks back on his heels. “What do you mean?”

“I was pregnant before.”

He rocks back on his heels like I’ve punched him. “What? Who?” He asks the question, but the realisation dawns on his face. “Faith? With Aiden?”

“It was disgusting. It was worse than being violated in the first place.” I sob, my gagging reflex taking over. Retching, I lean over. It’s all too much. Everything is too much.

“Seven weeks you’ve been carrying my baby and you haven’t told me. There I was trying to work out why you reacted the way you did, why you weren’t ecstatic and happy like me and now I know. It’s because you’d been there before, but it was because you’d been raped.”

The last word is a whisper, but it thumps into my heart, branding itself.

My shaking fingers wipe at my face. I need to see him clearer. “I thought if my body allowed him to embed itself in me then maybe they were right and I did want it after all.”

His hands drop from my shoulder and he stands and paces for the window. “I can’t believe this. That monster, he… he…” Eli’s fist splinters through the glass pane.

“Eli!”

Blood trickles from his knuckles onto the cream carpet. “Seven weeks, Faith. Seven weeks and you could have told me. Told me why you were scared. You made me think it was because we hadn’t been together long enough. I was going out of my mind wondering why you didn’t love me as much as I love you.”

“I do love you, Eli. I do, more than I ever thought possible. And I love our baby; it’s going to save me, I know it.” I can’t stop the tears, they are pouring like relentless rain.

He watches the blood, the colour draining from his face. “No.” His eyes when he turns cut me in half. “No one can save you. Not me, not Dan. You are the only one.”

“Don’t give up on me please.” I step closer but he holds his hands up to stop me. “Please, Eli. I’m fighting so hard.”