Page 103 of Tears of Gold

She smiles again and walks off. Right then, mingle.

It’s raining and cold. I left leaving the house to the last possible moment hoping that Eli would get home before I went to the clinic, but in the end, I had to go.

I’m getting out of a cab and heading up the steps to the clinic when I hear my name being called. I turn to find him running up behind me. My knees wobble at the sight of him.

“Faith.” He’s breathless. “The flight was late taking off, I’ve come straight from Heathrow.”

I nod despite the hammering in my chest. I don’t know what to say. He walked away. He left me and hasn’t spoken to me in days.

“Dan is at our house. I want you to know because I don’t want to go into there.” I point at the clinic. “And have it weighing on my heart when I should be excitedly waiting to see our baby. I know you are going to be pissed off, and I’m sorry. But I couldn’t leave him. He tried to kill himself and no matter what you think about him and me, I can’t leave him out in the cold when he’s so broken.”

Eli steps closer and my breath catches in my throat making me wince. “I know.” His hands slide around my chest. “I’m sorry. I acted like a dick. I know I did and I’m sorry. I just hate the fact he knows everything about you and he’s the one you’ve turned to your whole life. It’s like he knows a whole side of you that I’ve never met.”

I shake my head, tears pooling in my eyes. “Eli, you don’t want to know the me of then. I want you to be the man who makes me what I am now. Who is by my side always, guiding me, supporting me when I need it. Going to godawful functions like the one I had to go to last night with your mother, with me.”

“You’ve been going to the engagements?”

“Yes. We haven’t missed one.”

“But why? I haven’t been to any yet, either. It’s why Gran is so cross with me. I don’t want to be the man who spends his evenings greeting people and shaking hands, talking shit.”

“Because I want you to know I’m fighting, that I’m invested.”

“But you still won’t tell me everything?”

“Eli, can we go in and see our baby?”

His eyes light with my words, the storm passing. “I missed you so much these last few days.”

“Next time you have to go away with business, can it not be when we’ve had a row?”

“Come on, we will miss our appointment.”

Dr Vernon goes through some simple questions. She has a midwife in there with her who takes what she calls our booking information. Sally will be our midwife the whole way through.

The whole way through the pregnancy… I still can’t believe it.

“Nice and easy for you, Faith. We can use the handheld ultrasound today.” Well that’s a plus, I guess. I try not to wince when she squirts the jelly on my skin. It’s cold, but at least it’s not going up my vagina. There is always a silver lining.

“Okay, let's see what’s going on in there.”

I watch the screen looking for a kidney bean or squished heart shape. I can’t see a damn thing. Where has it gone? Dr Vernon is deadly quiet and the whole room slips into desperate silence. My heart hammers in my chest. It’s all I can hear as she presses the handheld unit to my stomach trying to get a better angle.

There is something wrong.

Why isn’t she saying anything?

Eli holds my hand. His fingers squeezing mine.

“Right then, Faith.” Dr Vernon finally looks up. “So here is an arm, can you see?” She points at what I thought was the outside of my womb. “Head here, legs here. And here is the heart, beating away perfectly.”

I stare at the screen. There isn’t a lentil now or a kidney bean. There’s actually a proper baby with arms and legs and a head, all the things babies should have. It’s there, swimming away, its arms and legs moving a little.

I have nothing to say. Nothing.

A splatter of water falls onto my arm and I drag my gaze away from the screen, turning my attention to Eli. His eyes are bright and dazzling, swimming with intense emotion. Bending over me, he kisses my forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you.” Grasping his hand with all my might we turn back for the monitor and watch as Dr Vernon does all her measurements. Small arms move around, swimming inside me. A fierce burning sensation fills my chest, my heart aching with intensity. That small little form is living inside me, part Eli and part me.