Page 117 of Unexpected Prejudice

“Never going to happen. I just need a few more days, then I’ll go back. And I don’t appreciate this comment about dating a girl. I already told you I’m gay.”

She had known I was gay for years now and never seemed to care.

“I was joking.”

Rolling my eyes, I flicked the tip of the cig to my empty plate. If I were at home right now, Chief would scold me about smoking inside while Diesel would say something about how I should ignore him. Diesel never cared about the rules, always smoking where he wanted. I smiled to myself. What else would’ve happened if I were with them right now? We’d be stuffed after eating Kai’s delicious food, that was for sure. Chief would probably pick some old movie while Diesel complained about it. Andrei would scold Diesel for being an ass, and Jessie would try to make us all sing Christmas carols.

Cutting that line of thought short, I reminded myself that I was the one who chose to spend the holiday away from them and forced myself to focus on the present. “I was thinking maybe tomorrow we can go to the science museum. There’s a new exhibition that should be interesting.”

“Oh, sure.” Mom stood and walked over to the counter. A big white box sat there since the afternoon, and now I knew what was inside. “Even though I learned how to cook, I didn’t learn how to bake.” She smiled while taking the giant chocolate cake out of the box and placing it on the table. Bringing some plates and a knife, she returned to her chair.

“So, can we go?”

“Yes, Lapochka, of course, we can go. But…” She paused and licked the tip of her finger from the chocolate frosting. “Can we do it in the afternoon? I promised Robert I’d spend the morning with him and the kids.”

Her words felt like someone woke me up in the middle of the night by pouring a bucket of ice on my head, leaving me cold and shocked.

“You… you’re going there tomorrow?” I tried to hide the pain in my voice.

“Robert begged me to, and I felt bad for him and the kids. How can I leave them alone?”

The same way you left me.

“Anyway, it will work for the better. While I’m there, you can go to your friends. It would be a great opportunity for you and Jessie to work things out. We can meet afterward and go to the museum. It would be so much fun, just the two of us.”

I couldn’t go back there, not yet, not after the way I left. Everyone heard me being such a jerk to Jessie. They heard my screams and saw me walking out the door. And what if Jessie changed his mind in the meantime? He hadn’t contacted me once, not even a text. Maybe he’d decided he was better off without me? Maybe he’d moved on the same way he did with everything else. Maybe I was shoved in that imaginary box of his where he kept all his unwanted memories.

“You don’t want me to come with you?” I swallowed the lump in my throat and focused on my plate.

“I just don’t think it will fit. You’ve never met them before, and tomorrow is not the right time.”

“I don’t think it will fit.” Meaning she didn’t think I would fit.

I, her son, wouldn’t fit in her life. Why was I even surprised right now? She’d made it more than clear that I had never fit as her son. She preferred someone else’s kids. I wasn’t good enough. I was weak and pitiful. I was so lame that even my own mother didn’t want to be in my life, so why would Jessie?

I had come here this week, opened up to her, and shared my world with her, and in the end, I didn’t fit. I wasn’t good enough for my mom to want me there in her real life. I was the consolation prize, the last option you’d pick because you must.

“So, it’s okay? You’ll go to your friends?”

Looking up at her, I didn’t know how to respond. She’d left me once and had come back into my life only so she could leave me again.

“I’m not sure they would want me there.”

Shaking her head, she waved her hand and quickly dismissed my worries. “Why wouldn’t they?”

Because you didn’t.

“So, we’re okay?”

Reaching for the packet of smokes still on the table between us, I pulled another one out. After lighting it, I nodded. “Yeah, we’re okay.”

Her lips curved into a smile, and she took a bite from the cake. Moaning at the flavor, she pointed at my slice with her fork. “Lev, you haven’t touched your cake yet. It cost a lot.”

Levi. Not Lev. Levi.

But you don’t care. You never did… and you never will.

Jessie