Page 118 of Unexpected Prejudice

As soon as dinner ended and Chief picked a movie we would all watch together, I sneaked back to my room. Sitting around the table while pretending to be alright when everyone enjoyed the dinner was too hard.

Being without Levi was too fucking hard.

I knew it was only temporary, but every minute without him felt like torture. When I entered our empty bedroom, I thought it might be best to distract myself. Usually, art was my refuge, so I grabbed my tablet and sat behind my makeup stand. I didn’t use the desk like I normally would because Levi’s books were still there, and I wanted to keep them in place until he returned.

Which would be soon, right?

For years, I drew us as my characters. While I was Yezhik, he was Rypka. Levi inspired me to draw, and I loved creating art featuring the two of us. I started to scroll down my art gallery, looking back at the early sketches I had done for these two characters.

As I improved, they changed significantly, yet one thing that didn’t change was Rybka’s big gray eyes. I always focused so much on his eyes because they were my favorite part of Levi. Not because they were stunning, which they were, but because of the love they held. Until I met him, I didn’t know what it was to be loved. And I wasn’t talking about the romantic type of love, but the most basic kind every human needs in their life—assuring, simple love that wanted nothing in return. The kind of love that promised you that no matter what, you weren’t alone.

But the last time I looked into his eyes, there hadn’t been any love. Only pain. So much pain I was responsible for, and that broke my heart.

“Shit,” I hissed as tears welled in my eyes.

Wiping them away, I continued to scroll up in the gallery until I reached my most recent art, the one I did for that stupid art challenge, inspired by our threesome. While feeling like an idiot, I also felt anger. I was angry because Levi should have said no. When I asked him for a threesome, he should have been honest with me and told me what he really thought of the idea. He should’ve trusted me, and known that no matter what he’d told me, nothing would change. Did he honestly think I’d be angry? That I wouldn’t accept his response? His disbelief in me and in himself, made me furious. So damn furious.

Thinking it might help, I deleted that art, but it wasn’t enough. If only I could have deleted that night as well, but I couldn’t. It was impossible to change the past, and now I had to deal with the fucking outcome. Clenching my jaw, I grabbed my tablet and threw it across the room until it hit the wall and crashed. But breaking it didn’t relieve my anger either, not even close.

Wrapped in my rage, I accidentally bit the corner of my lip hard enough to make it bleed. Checking the damage in the mirror, I was faced with my reflection, and staring back at me was the world’s biggest fool. I was a fool because for years I held the most valuable treasure in my hands, and instead of keeping it safe, I had done the opposite.

All this anger and pain was unbearable and made me think about all the years I was able to be myself at his expense. Levi had to pretend, to lie and hide shit from me so I’d be free to act like an idiot. And I was. I was an idiot. A complete clown. With all my piercings, tattoos, colored hair… no wonder he couldn’t rely on me. Who would?

Out of frustration and resentment, a thought occurred to me. First, I took off my snake bites, followed by my nose piercing, lip, and eyebrow. I then moved on to my navel, ears, and once they were all out, I still didn’t feel alright. There were still too many layers that stood between him and me, so I opened the drawer and took out the hair clippers I kept there. Plugging it in, I took a deep breath while moving my fingers through my hair.

It’s time for a fresh start.

Leaning closer to the mirror, I locked eyes with my reflection again, determined to change. To man up. To become a person he could rely on.

It’s time for a fresh start, and this time we’ll do it right.

Jessie

Dressed and ready to go, I went down to the kitchen.

I usually woke up earlier on Christmas Day because I loved opening presents. Today was different. Today, I was up early because I hardly slept last night. Thoughts about Levi kept me awake, and when the sun rose and another morning came where he wasn’t beside me, I’d had enough. Without him, I felt like half of myself was gone. I lacked my usual energy, had no appetite, and could hardly sleep. Wanting to respect his request, I fought my need to contact him and tried to distract myself by drawing, which hadn’t worked, and now I needed to buy a new tablet.

So, after seven long days of being miserable, it was time to end this nonsense. This was Levi’s home, and we were his family. We may have gone through difficulties in our relationship, which we needed to resolve, but that didn’t mean we weren’t a family anymore. If he still needed his space, he could have it. I’d sleep on the couch or whatever. I’d give him all the space in the world while making sure he understood that he had a place he belonged to.

The panic attack I had the other day and what happened last night helped me snap out of my funk. His being away triggered me. There was no way around that. For years, I relied on him, which helped me handle my past trauma and anxiety. I had talked about it with Erika, my therapist, many times before. Levi was my gravity. He was the force that kept me from floating into the dark space of my past. His composure, silence, and strength allowed me to live life without worrying about when or how my past may affect me. The problem was that Levi couldn’t bear it all, and that pressured him into lying to me.

He’d lied so much, and it hurt. It hurt because it made me doubt our relationship, leaving me to wonder if he ever trusted me. It put everything we went through since the beginning of the year in a new perspective. While I knew I was only friends with Jordan, did he also believe it? Or did he think I was cheating on him? And what about the whole part with his mom? Was he so unsure of my love for him that he thought I’d refuse to acknowledge his need to connect with her again? Sure, I thought she was a bad person, but she was still his mom.

Despite my doubts, I didn’t blame him for lying because I knew he did that out of his love for me. Levi put my needs above his because he thought I’d leave him otherwise. I should’ve known better. After all, his mom had left him, making him believe he wasn’t good enough, and being the kind of person he was, he believed it. So, while I ached for him and was hurt, I knew he was hurting more, and that gave me the strength I needed this morning.

Knowing I had to focus today, I took my ADHD meds. Levi always made sure I ate before taking them, so this time, I did it myself. Picking a chocolate and raspberry granola bar out of the pantry, I was about to take a bite when the sliding door opened, and Andrei and Chief walked inside, with their damp hair from surfing and wetsuits pulled down to their waist.

“Good morning,” I said before grabbing a bite of my granola bar and taking out the pill I needed to take.

“Jess?” Andrei asked as I poured myself a glass of orange juice.

“Mmm?”

His brows were pinched close, and he looked distressed.

“Oh, you want some?” I offered him the juice.

He shook his head. “No, but—”