Page 49 of Bless This Hot Mess

Japheth grinned, “It’s a sign, Ronald. This is how we get our radio show!”

Ronald marvelled at how, in some strange way, they had gone from basking in the lazy warmth of a lawn chair day to chasing a dreamy legal eagle handpicked by divine intervention in the form of a cloud which had now blown away; His work here clearly done.

“We need to call…” Ronald began, still eyeing the towering billboard.

“Already on it!” Japheth interrupted, unholstering his cell phone from his belt and holding it to his ear. The ringing sounded almost triumphant until she answered a moment later, “Rebekkah! Can you meet me and Ronald at the corner of Oak and First right now? Yes, it’sveryimportant. We just found our lawyer!” He hung up with a dramatic snap of the clamshell shaped device and holstered it at his waist.

Ronald squinted up at the sign, reading aloud, “Weinus,Weinus, and Ware, Esquire would like to introduce our new Legal Eagle…”

“Ooo, he sounds good!” Japheth chimed in, bouncing slightly on the toes of his navy-blue Converse sneakers.

“Helooksgood,” Ronald added appreciatively, taking in the handsome man on the billboard’s massive face.

Japheth couldn’t pull his gaze away from the picture and let out a low whistle, “Damn… he really does. Oh Jesus! Sorry Lord.Darn… he really does.”

“Summa cum laude, McMaster University,” Ronald read from the list of credentials in a towering block of bold text on the left side of the advertisement. His eyebrows raised, clearly impressed.

“Weekend warrior jock,” Japheth noted, admiring the man’s brawny stance with his hands resting on his serrated external obliques confidently.

“I like that!” Ronald nodded, “Maybe he’ll be up for a little one on one, or two on one on the weekends!”

“Basketball?” Japheth clarified and Ronald grinned mischievously, nodding his head, “Oh, look! He’s an orphan advocate!”

“Aww!” Ronald’s heart melted a little.

“To say Micah is easy on the eyes would be like saying it drizzled when Noah built the ark,” Japheth said, shaking his head.

Ronald laughed, “Or that Daniel was in a den of kittens!”

“Good one! You remembered! Or… that the writing of the Book of Revelations may have involved the ingestion of afewpsychedelics.”

Ronald blinked, unfamiliar with this particular Biblical book, “I don’t know that one.”

“Advanced Christianity,” Japheth explained with a wink. “We’ll get there. It’s all interpretation. No one understands it and anyone that tells you they do is full of fudge.”

Ronald ran his hands through his hair and rested them, fingers entwined behind his head, “Look at that barrel chest.”

“What a brawny barrister!” Japheth exclaimed, impressed by their would-be legal saviour.

“Is this one of those times we can have our cake and eat it, too?” Ronald asked with a hopeful grin.

“I’m willing to share,” Japheth offered, eyebrows wagging. “I wonder if he’s a Weinus, a Weinus, or a Ware?”

“Definitely a Ware,” Ronald said with authority, having appraised a few men in his day. “Hardware. That ain’t no Weinus.”

Suddenly, the loud screech of bike tires sliced through their reverie as Rebekkah came skidding to a stop beside them.

“I biked right over! Where is he?” she panted, clearly eager to meet their billboard beacon of hope.

Japheth pointed dramatically toward the looming billboard, “Right… up there!”

Rebekkah’s jaw dropped as she followed his gesture, “Holy Mary, mother of… that’s him?!”

“Yep,” Ronald confirmed, crossing his arms proudly. “And Jesus Himself pointed him out.”

“He’s a lawyer? But he’s… so tan, and… and shirtless?” Rebekkah asked, incredulous. Ronald and Japheth stared wide-eyed as Rebekkah scanned the largest, boldest print on the advertisement.

“I know!” Ronald exclaimed, still trying to process their good fortune himself.