Page 119 of When We Believed in Mermaids

“I hope so,” I say, and I mean it.

Now, if only Kit will forgive me, everything will be all right.

Chapter Thirty-Four

Kit

I head straight up the elevator to Javier’s floor. My hair is wet from the rain, and I’m trembling in every inch of my body, and I’m having trouble catching my breath. I keep thinking that if I can find him, talk to him, some of this will make sense. Dylan and Josie.

Josie.

Javier is not home. I pull out my phone to call him, and then I just tuck it back into my bag, feeling airless, as if I will fly apart, dissolve into the universe. Standing in the hallway, shaking, I can’t think what to do. What my next step should be.

I can’t do this. Can’t sort this out. I can’t breathe or think or even settle on a single thought. Josie and Billy. Dylan and Josie. My poor, poor sister, carrying it all for so long. Finally killing herself off rather than deal with it anymore.

Dylan.

Images of him spill through my mind. So beautiful, so lost, so tortured.

How could he have had sex with Josie? How could he have kept a secret about her abuse like that? Knowing she needed counseling. Needed help. He saw her spiraling, drinking, drugging, and he didn’t just not stop it; he encouraged it. How could I have missed all this?

Overwhelmed, I spin around and head for the elevator.

Home. I just want to go home. Lie in my own bed. Sit on my patio.

I want it so desperately, all of a sudden, that it’s all I can think about. I return to my rooms and start throwing everything into my suitcase, willy-nilly, not folded. Bras and dirty underwear and new T-shirts. It feels like I’ve been on a very long, challenging journey, as if I have traveled around the world and taken part in a million festivals and now I’m leaving, a changed person.

The view this afternoon is moody and soft, the water roiling, turned a steely gray by the rain, and it makes me ache. I haven’t known it as well as I’d like. I wanted to learn more, but it’s just impossible to stay right now. I have to get back home, to my refuge, to the world I’ve built.

From my laptop, I make reservations on a plane for this very evening. It costs a fortune, but I don’t care. I kick it up another notch and go first-class. It leaves at 11:45 p.m., and I’ll be home in the morning. I’m already packed. Maybe I should just go to the airport.

A knock sounds at my door, and for a moment I consider not answering. The only person who comes here is Javier.

But it would be deeply unkind to leave without letting him know. Taking a moment to center myself, I open the door. He’s wearing soft jeans and the long-sleeve heathery T-shirt that fits him perfectly. His feet are bare, which awakens that physical part of me that still wants him.

“Hey,” I say, trying to sound normal. “I just knocked on your door.”

“I was practicing guitar,” he says, and his eyes sparkle. “Anything I can do for you?”

“Come in.”

He sees the suitcase on the bed. “What is this?”

“My sister—Dylan—There is...” I shake my head. “I just can’t do this. I need to get home.”

“You’re leaving? Now? Today?”

I throw another shirt into the suitcase. “Yes. It’s time. I have to go.”

He frowns slightly. “Did something happen?”

“Yes. Confessions of all kinds. Things I didn’t know. Things I didn’t want to know.”

“Are you all right? You look—” He reaches for my arms, kindly, and I dodge him, unsure what will happen if he touches me. “Distraught.”

“I’ll be fine once I get out of here and back to everything normal.” I swallow. “I’m sorry, though, about leaving so abruptly. I really have enjoyed your company.”

He licks his lower lip, and there’s something in his eye that I haven’t seen before, something darker. “Enjoyed?” He steps closer to me, and I step around, and he follows, as if we’re dancing.