Page 51 of Yours, For Good

I had no idea what to do about it, either.

People in various degrees of corporate attire sat around me; my friend Gabe and his dad Raúl led the meeting from the head of the table. Their voices took turns with different advisors in the large boardroom, but they weren't more than garbled radio noise in the background. The sleek furniture, colorful paintings, and wonderful view of the city across the window glass blurred, invisible to me.

I covered my mouth with cold fingers. Writing back was out of the question. Any advice I could share would be colored by my feelings. Not to say anything of my double identity.

Do NOT tell him about this letter or I will die.

I let out a sad chuckle. It quickly turned bitter. If I had any advice, it would be to use me for friendship until she found someone who deserved the title.

As for romance… that was out of the question. If I wasn't good enough for her; if I didn't deserve a long lasting friendship, I couldn't ask her to bet on me for love. Especially not when I hid so much, and I didn't trust myself in it, and Nora could end up paying interest on that loan.

Chairs rolled away from the table as people got up. The meeting had ended and I hadn't noticed. I stayed sitting for a while longer, buying myself time until I had to empty the room and face the rest of the day with my tangled feelings.

"Are you okay?" Gabe spoke from near me. "I'm glad you made it to the meeting but you look…"

"Awful?" I provided.

He chuckled and I stood to hug him.

"Hi, Gabe."

Tío Raúl approached and asked for a hug too. "Son, it's good to see you."

"Hi, Tío Raúl. Always a pleasure."

"Why are you acting so formal?" Tío Raúl frowned. "Everything okay? You look…"

"Wretched?" I offered this time.

"Pale, man." Gabe scoffed. "But if you're miserable, let's go for lunch and talk about it."

Tempting. Maybe I could share my troubled thoughts with Gabe… if I felt brave enough to face the shame of what I had done.

"I'm not ready to talk about it yet," I said.

"Okay." Gabe gazed at me with thoughtful eyes. "Do you want to go have lunch at least? We can invite Jake for a quick break together."

"I would love that."

Tío Raúl gave me a few affectionate pats on the back. "I hope you're okay, Javier."

"Thank you. I'm trying."

And yet, I continued to fail.

Gabe texted Jake and we all went together for lunch at a nearby restaurant. I was quiet and my friends let me be; they knew I'd open up when I was ready. Until then, they offered understated comfort, chatting with me when I could engage, and keeping the conversation going when I couldn't. Often, my attention was hijacked by Nora's latest email, and my unresolved feelings at every level.

Nora and I couldn't get any closer. I couldn't let my feelings matter. I would hold onto this platonic line between us, walking on the tightrope of it all. I would respond to her bids for connection and be a good friend where I could, but I wouldn't seek her out. Once the program ended, I would wait until she met people of her own, then I would let myself fade into the background. Until I was someone she used to know, for her to look back and remember fondly.

Mr. B. would have to remain a mystery. Unreachable. Giving him a voice would deepen the duplicity with Nora and risk the future of the program at large. I didn't want to add more to my conscience.

I was Javier and Mr. Beanpole. Better than Stevenson's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but not by much.

Chapter 20

Date: January 16

To: Mr. Smith